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Going for the Green by Tom King
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As I age disgracefully, I find there are things I want to do that have nothing to do with how cool anyone thinks they are.
When I got myself lured up to the Pacific Northwest to aged hippie
country, I discovered that a lot of my long-haired brethren from the 60s were here too and that the ones who moved to Seattle and Olympia were mostly raging liberals.
here amongst the trees, however, there are a surprising lot of
long-haired conservatives, all heavily armed with everything from
homemade knives and assault rifles to longneck
banjos. Feeling right at home and a little irritated at the growing
bald spot on top of my head, I decided to let my hair grow out.
wife has long been my barber, due to the fact that I'm too cheap to pay
$15 for a haircut. In recent years she's developed an essential tremor
in her hand. I don't know what's essential about it, but that's what the
docs say so who am I to argue.
The upshot is, I let my hair grow out.
A lot of older guys on TV and even some younger ones had begun sporting
pony tails, so I figured, why not. So I began a race to see if I could
grow my hair out long enough to braid into a sailor's cue in the back
before my remaining hair fell out.
It's a race at this point, but
one thing fun came out of it - it boosted my acting career nicely. Now
when the youth department at the church need a Moses or some
wild-haired minor prophet for a dramatic skit, I'm the go-to guy. I may
even check out some community theaters and see if they need a Merlin or a
Ben Franklin for some play or other. Might be fun. I've always wanted
to do Scrooge on stage.
At any rate, now that my hair is growing out, I discover that pony tails for men are out of fashion again. As was explained to me, "That's soooooo 2009."
Ah, well, I'm doomed it seems to be out of step with the rest of the world.
My computer's operating system will no longer be supported after April.
If I update my operating system, I'll lose all my most useful programs
AND I'll have to learn how to use Windows 8 or something equally
horrible and probably have to upgrade my computer which I can ill afford
I'm a teetotaler conservative, living in a state
that just legalized marijuana and deregulated liquor stores, a Christian
in a part of the country that's pretty much atheist or Buddhist or
neo-pagan, a conservative in liberal hell and poor where the cost of
living is somewhere around that of Palm Beach or Abu-Dhabi. I should be at all surprised; it was inevitable that his was coming. When
I was a kid, I was a skinny nerd in a class full of bullies and
underachievers most of whom were bound for prison. From there I went to a
Christian school where I was the only agnostic up until they gave up on
me, at which point, I perversely got myself baptized.
summers have been when I worked on staff at summer camp, where my skills
were actually up-to-date and useful. I had friends who were a lot like
me and if they weren't they didn't care that I was a bit odd. Girls
even liked me for the first time in my life.
Approaching age 60, however, I
find it's just me and the missus stranded out here amongst the Douglas
firs and the roving bands of deer and psychotic squirrels. And me
without a banjo!
I think God's messing with me. I suspect it's for my own good.
That awful power, the public opinion of a nation, is created in America by a horde of ignorant, self-complacent simpletons who failed at ditching and shoe-making and fetched up in journalism on their way to the poorhouse. -Mark Twain