Search This Blog

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Uncle Tom's Handy Dandy Carbon Offset Credits - Get 'em While They're Hot!

(c) 2011 by Tom King

A word to my fellow Facebookers and forum posters on the left and right.  It has been recently brought to my attention that excessive bloviation may produce increased significant increases in levels of atmospheric CO2.  If this is the case I suspect that global warming discussion threads as found on such weighty scientific forums like Facebook, MySpace, Google Plus and the Banjo Hangout are in danger of becoming major sources of greenhouse gases.

To head off this problem for the sake of the planet and to prevent possible new regulation by the Environmental Protection Agency. I have decided to be pro-active. So, today I am announcing my newest product: carbon offset credits for obsessive global warming posters (COCOGWPs). Now, anyone who wishes to post page after page of dry statistics, graphs, charts and web-page links, can do so guilt-free.  All you have to do is purchase carbon offset credits (COCOGWPs) from me.  Now your bloviations on the subject of anthropogenic global climate change can be totally carbon neutral. For the modest price of $3.50 per credit, you can go on and on and on and on about anthropogenic global warming or even about how anthropogenic global warming is a total crock - your choice - and do so completely guilt free.

The benefits of buying Uncle Tom's Handy Dandy Carbon Credits include:
  1. They are inexpensive. For just the price of one ticket on the Loch Ness Monster Boat Tour, you can erase any guilt you might feel about using more than your share of the Earth's resources.
  2. They are easy to purchase. Simply send your $3.50 per COCOGWP to my e-mail address (  via Paypal. Easy peasy - take it out of your eBay profits and your wife need never know you've been obsessing over global warming on Facebook again.
  3. 10 percent of proceeds will be donated to a charity I like, eventually, once I pay for a bigger motor for my new fishing boat.
  4. Your purchase helps me avoid having to work at a real job where I might be forced to produce carbon against my will (this way my carbon production is entirely for a good cause, is voluntary and I can stop at any time if I really want to).
  5. I'm much less obnoxious than Al Gore and can tell a joke with a proper punchline.
  6. Uncle Tom's Handy Dandy Carbon Credits free you from all guilt associated with rattling on and on interminably about global warming and filling up all those extra hard drives on all those extra servers Mark Zuckerberg has to install just to keep up with Facebook's global warming archives.
  7. As an added premium your carbon credits come with a free membership in the premier nonprofit support group for people who have trouble stopping themselves from talking about global warming.  It's called "On and On and On ANON" and your membership is free with the purchase of 7 or more carbon credits.
  8. With your purchase of ten or more Uncle Tom's Handy Dandy Carbon Credits you also get a ticket to a free special class for your loved ones. This training class for spouses and families of people who talk incessantly about global warming includes -
  • Choosing a bat to match your arm length
  • Placing your stroke for maximum effect and minimal obvious bruising
  • Using common household items when your bat is not handy
  • Making it look like an accident - it's all in the setup
  • Convincing your loved one he was struck by a loose blade from the ceiling fan
  • What to tell the police - surefire ways to get you off with probation and time served
  • Timing your interventions to achieve the maximum negative behavioral conditioning effect
How does it work?

The beauty of Uncle Tom's Handy Dandy Carbon Offset Credits is that, not only does it reduce carbon, sulfur and other emissions too ghastly to mention here, but it also prevents the death of tens of thousands AT THE SAME TIME. You see, I live in the shadow of the most dangerous active volcano in North America - Mt. Ranier. At any moment it could go off and pour millions of tons of carbon, sulfur and other noxious gases and ash into the atmosphere and send a flood of mud, rock and debris sweeping down the Puyallup, Carbon and Green River Valleys with little or no notice, destroying dozens of picturesque, environmentally friendly towns that carefully recycle all their trash and industrial waste and burying tens of thousands of environmentally-conscious Washingtonians beneath a 50 to 100 foot wall of melted glacier muck.  The real tragedy would be that THE millions of dollars these communities have spent to reduce global warming and thereby increase the size of the Mt. Ranier glaciers would be lost along with the glaciers themselves if the mountain were to erupt. I have therefore begun a program to prevent this disaster and, at the same time provide a way for environmentally-conscious Americans to feel smug and guilt-free.

Every six months I will climb the flanks of Mt. Ranier and plant one pine cone for each carbon credit purchased through Uncle Tom's Handy Dandy Carbon Offset Credits program. These pine cones will grow into trees, their roots will reach down into the mountain and press apart the loose volcanic rocks which make up the outer shell of the mountain. This will, according to scientists at the Blossomville Community College Vulcanology Center (you should have seen their science fair project last year), expand the outer shell of the mountain, increasing the "gas carrying capacity" of the volcano shaft significantly. If we continue this program* and steadily increase the number of pine cones planted, with your help we can create a "green blanket" that should cool the atmosphere around the mountain and further increase the depth of the snow pack above the tree line. This dense snow pack will theoretically cool the inside of the mountain, causing the gases inside to contract, further enhancing the mountain's carrying capacity and delaying the inevitable eruption of the volcano by decades - long enough for those who bought carbon credits for their jets and jacuzzis to croak off so they won't care anymore whether the mountain blows up or not.


Uncle Tom

* This program was inspired by the economic stimulus programs initiated by the United States Congress and the President to prevent the economy from going bust by putting the whole thing off till after we're all safely dead. The principle behind Uncle Tom's Handy Dandy Carbon Offset Credits. As one of the great modern philosophers whose philanthropic work, in part, inspired the idea of COCOGWPs has said:

"I don't believe in guilt, I believe in living on impulse."  - Angelina Jolie


Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I Just Love My Homeowner's Association

My Homeowner's Association's Proposed Warning Sign:


The majority of the guys who live in this neighborhood are military and ex-military, many with advanced training in combat arms, hand to hand combat and reconnaissance. We also have a couple of trained snipers and one old boy from East Texas who sleeps with his 30-06 and can pick the head off a pissant at 1500 yards on a blustery day.

You should also note that we are armed to the teeth and practice often. At last count, the guys out here have 75 confirmed kills in Iraq, Afghanistan, Vietnam and some places they still can't talk about. That number is probably a little low because they don't count them if they can't find enough pieces. At night, the Vietnam vet guy likes to sit in a tree in a Ghillie suit with an infrared scope. Something about 'perimeter security'. We gave him a mugshot book of the neighborhood residents and told him he had to verify the identity of the intruder before making the shot. When in doubt, he has instructions to "get close and use the knife".

We are very fond of our wives and kids and get really perturbed if you mess with them. You should know that our subdivision is surrounded by an ecologically balanced and therefore very thick wetlands preservation boundary that already smells pretty bad in some places where the brush is particularly dense. It's not likely they'll find you anytime soon and I understand that our local racoons and buzzards like to nibble things.

Our homeowner's association president worked for many years in a mental facility training orderlies and personally handling the very large violent-type lunatics. He used to take down three hundred pounders and place them in restraints seven or eight times a day on average. He knows the precise words to use when calling 911 so that they'll be sure and send a couple of burly, but efficient, orderlies along with a generous supply of tasers for the police officers. He also knows just what to say on the police report to get you some pretty significant time in a padded cell in some sort of protective gear - one of those heavy canvas strappy things with the shiny steel buckles.

A lot of our guys really take this neighborhood watch thing seriously. Our recon guy has all manner of cameras, still and video, and will make certain there's a proper head shot of you for the BOLO. And you probably shouldn't mention the words "head shot" around our sniper guys or Bubba.

We also love our dogs around here. We have a pit bull, two German Shepherds, a Great Dane, an assortment of Rottweilers, all manner of Labrador Retrievers and a border collie mix named Daisy who runs so fast it makes greyhounds cry and who can reduce a hard rubber chew toy to shreds in under two minutes with her bare teeth. If you disguise yourself as a postman, UPS guy or utility service worker it makes her particularly unhappy. The crotch grab is her specialty. Besides that, most of the guys out here do five to ten miles of daily PT at the base, so PLEASE make a run for it. The Youtube video should be just hilarious.

If you're having some sort of problem with authority or you're an anarchist, this might not be the best place to work out those issues in any sort of public way. The wives told us the last time they weren't going to be responsible for EVER cleaning up that much blood again.  But Rick, our neighborhood tool guy, just took delivery of two new power-washers last week and we haven't had anything to try them out on yet. The guys are anxious to see how they work, so, we can probably accommodate you if you're just looking for an early exit strategy......from breathing.

Welcome to Edgewater. A safe and happy place for growing families.

(c) 2011 by Tom King

Monday, September 19, 2011

Roman Herman and the Big Fat Berry

I made the mistake of taking along a plastic grocery bag on my walk with Daisy this morning (in case there was a pooping incident). We passed the berry bushes and they were just loaded with big fat juicy berries.  I couldn't resist picking them even though I'd promised my wife I'd lay off the berry picking for a while. At any rate the bag was used for berry gathering this time instead of its less dignified use. The size of the berries reminded me of a Flip Wilson story. This is a story about a Roman. His name was Herman.

His name was Roman Herman. 

It seems that the latest fad in Rome back then was berries. People started collecting berries and displaying them, showing them off and entering them in fairs and pie making contests and such. Berries became THE status symbol for the upwardly mobile Roman.

Well, one day, while Roman Herman was roaming the outskirts of Rome, he spied this ginormous berry. It was beautiful. It was the most beautiful berry Roman Herman had ever seen - all fat and juicy and plump. So, anyway, he picked the berry, tucked it under his toga and brought it home to his wife.  The woman squealed when she saw that berry. She praised it cause she knew the girls down at the bath house was gonna be just green with envy..

She put her hands on her hips and said "That's an awful nice berry you got there Herman!"

It didn't take long for word to get around about the berry. Pretty soon people were coming from all over Rome to see the berry, and to praise it.  Roman Herman took the berry to the Roman county fair and he won first prize. He took his trophy and his berry home and put it up on the mantel so people could see the berry when they came by for a visit and they could praise the berry right there in the living room.

Well, one dark night, there was a knock on the door. It was late, but Mr. and Mrs Herman were getting used to all the fuss because of the berry, so Roman Herman opened up the door.

There standing in the doorway were three Roman Senators, Brutus, Cassius and Mark. They elected for Mark to speak for them and he stepped forward.

"Friend, Roman and Countryman," Mark announced. "We have heard of your magnificent berry and come representing the senate of Rome."

"Hoo, boy," said Herman feeling kind of flattered.  "Have you come to praise my berry?" he asked.

Without warning the senators drew out long knives and Senator Mark, he held his knife right up against poor Roman Herman's belly.  "Why don't you see," Senator Mark scowled menacingly, "We come to seize your berry, not to praise it!"*

*The only way you'll get that joke is if you had to memorize Mark Anthony's funeral oration in Shakespeare's play, Julius Caesar, when you were in 9th grade lit class. This joke slays 'em at writer's groups and gatherings of unemployed English majors. I'm sorry, but there are so few really good jokes about berries......