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Friday, November 25, 2011

Old Bones the Wonder Horse Ages Disgracefully

(c) 2011 by Tom King

I always thought I'd hang on to my youthful attitude till I died - probably jumping off something far too tall with a bedsheet tied to my belt loops to act as a parachute.

I swore I'd never be one of those old geezers who talks baby talk to a spoiled rotten dog, talks incessantly about what part of his crumbling body hurts worse today, the details of his latest surgery and has a "favorite chair".

So here I sit, propped up in an old Lazy Boy with it's seat shaped exactly like my butt at the increasingly ripe old age of 57. Daisy Pooh my spoiled rotten dog lies sprawled at my feet in a tryptophan coma, the results of a two day turkey mooch-a-thon.  My wife is burning a cinnamon candle on the bookshelf by my chair. She says I smell like BenGay and cabbage - not exactly what I was looking for, but if you use BenGay, there ain't much way to avoid smelling like BenGay.  And splashing on half a bottle of Old Spice only makes it worse.

I've tried it.

And why is it that the older you get the more your pants migrate away from where they are supposed to hang? Either they ride up higher and higher till you have to reach under your armpit to get your car keys or you have to hang a chain around your neck with one end attached to your wallet because your arms aren't long enough to reach your hip pocket anymore.

And hair begins to grow in places you don't want it and to fall out of places you do.  You suddenly have a favorite plate, a favorite coffee cup and a favorite spoon.  You suddenly discover you've been wearing loud Hawaiian shirts and really ugly shorts that you do NOT have the knees floor.
You know the end has arrived the day you look down and discover you're wearing black socks and sandals with your shorts and you don't even care because you're going to Wal-Mart and everybody wears their ugly clothes to Wal-Mart.

You have box in the garage with pinups of women who are dead now and you've seriously considered hanging some up in the garage and you don't care what your wife says about it.
And your wife wouldn't say anything about it anyway, except to mutter something like , "There's no fool like an old fool."

I went to the church pot luck last week and sat by myself at a table.  Three kids and a manic-depressive schizophrenic came to sit by me. The kids thought I was somebody's grandpa and thought maybe I'd give them some money. The schizophrenic elderly lady that came with them was about 85. Before we started up a conversation, she felt the need to assure me that she knew I was married and promised not to hit on me.

Now I'm manic-depressive........mostly depressive!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

75% Chance of Weather...Seattle Braces for "Storm"

(c) 2011 by Tom King
Massive puddles left after last night's terrifying "storm".
PUYALLUP, WA:  11:30 PM - The big news story tonight - big Pacific storm bears down on Washington. Three-fourths of tonight's newscast from Seattle concerned the approaching cataclysm. In breathless tones, the weatherman warned of gusts of 30 and perhaps 40 miles per hour. Up to two hour long power outages could be expected. There might be thunder and two inches of rain. Oooooooh! We'll be dragging the neo-pagans down off the volcano and rescuing virgins in the morning if there's actual lightning and thunder..... They call this weather up here. It is to laugh!! I'll check in tomorrow and let you know how we survived the night.
PUYALLUP, WA:  11:30 PM - Wow what a night. Winds of 20 to 30 mph. And it rained ALL NIGHT LONG. My goodness there were actual puddles this morning and moisture on our bedroom windowsill by the open window. The powerful winds ripped leaves right off the trees - especially the red, yellow and brown ones. Volunteers struggled to keep the storm drains clear. Public officials passed out free orange safety vests (I kid you not) for folks who volunteered to man their neighborhood storm drains and keep the leaves off the grates with a rake. Occupy Wall Street Seattle protesters were forced to order extra lattes to keep warm this morning. 
On TV they interviewed a guy last night during the nonstop coverage of the approaching "storm" - some college professor - who said he wasn't scared. He said he liked "weather" and thought it was good for our character to experience the odd storm or two.

Perhaps he's right. If so, that may explain Seattle.......

Meanwhile, Daisy, the dog, and I are taking our umbrella and going for a walk in the driving drizzle this morning. It's risky, I know, but Daisy needs to poop and, being from Texas, we have to get our wild weather fix where we can get it!
Tom King

Sunday, November 06, 2011

Dogs - Nature's Humorists

Aha! An abandoned cookie!
I love dogs. If I were an animal, that's what I'd be. They're the only critters I know with a sense of humor. Horses are nervous. Cats are way too into themselves. Even when they play they play to kill. Goldfish are too cold. Birds too naggy (Polly always wants a cracker and they poop on everything - kinda like having your mother-in-law in a cage).  Only dogs have that cock-eyed enthusiastic optimism that a humorist must have in order to laugh at the tragedy that is life in this world.  Dogs make life just a wee bit easier to bear.

Hey, he wasn't usin' it....

Dogs are our protectors and the play toys and companions of our youth. Later they guard our children. You're never let into the secret society of cats.  They have these cat covens where they meet to decide what to do with their humans. I've seen them. One day around sundown I chanced to look out my window and there sat a group of cats in a circle staring seriously at one another. It was kind of eerie.  I whispered to Daisy, "Hey, Daisy.  Look! Cats!" We sneaked around and I opened the front door to let her out.  I got back to the window in time to see them scatter. Daisy was so happy, she didn't know which one to chase.
Bubble mania

 A cat has no idea what to do with soap bubbles except swipe at them irritably as they float by. Dogs go after them with enthusiasm. Dogs go fetch stuff you throw at them and sometimes they even bring them back after giving them a good shake.

They're natural born hams. Anytime you give them a little attention, they get all happy and pretty soon they are mugging for the camera, doing flips and running frantically in circle.

For a dog life is exciting.
Ooh, ooh, take my picture too!
When we lived in Tyler with my son Matt and his wife Nancy, Daisy, our lab/border collie/God-only-knows-what-else mix owned their cat for a time.  The cat never liked using a litter box and went outside like the dog. If the cat wanted out, she'd go stand by the back door and Daisy would come bounding into the bedroom to get me.

She'd grab my hand in her teeth and "woof" at me. She was saying, "My kitty needs to go pee-pee NOW!"

So I would get up and go to the door, open it and the dog would stand aside and sure enough the cat would stroll out the door like the flippin' Queen of Sheba. Meanwhile, Daisy is as happy as a clam and doesn't even need to go out herself. She goes back and curls up by my chair, content that her work was done. 
She'd also come get me when the cat wanted to come back in. She took very good care of her kitty and doesn't understand why, now that we live with four cats here in Puyallup, we won't give her one for her very own. They all hide in my sister-in-law's bedroom and won't come out. I see them sometimes sitting in her second story window, watching Daisy and I head out for our morning walk. I know they're up there plotting to take over the world or something. Looking down on us from the window sill all spooky and quiet. Daisy keeps sticking her nose in the room if someone leaves it open, hoping to catch one and adopt it by force, but no one will let her. She's kind of depressed about it. I mean she's the only one who isn't allowed to have a pet!

If you want to see a bunch more funny dog pictures click on this link where I got some of these pics. The Funny Dog Site has a bunch of these you'll enjoy if you're a dog lover and who isn't. Even smart kitties know the importance of having a dog for a buddy. These guys in the basket (above) won't have to worry those nasty tempered Siamese tomcats that run around the neighbors terrorizing innocent kitties. They've got PROTECTION!

Gotta love them hound dogs!

Easily entertained.

Always relaxed.

Always giving it their best.

If you haven't got a dog, pray for one. God'll send you a good un'.

One of my favorite songs is called God and Dog. It's by Wendy Francisco. Don't click on the link unless you have a hanky with you.

Have a lovely weekend and a happy Sabbath rest.

Tom King
Daisy watching out for subversive cat meetings.