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There's a lot of loose talk going around East Texas lately about seceding from the Union. First it was if Hillary won the presidency. Later it was if Obama won the election. Lately it's if McCain wins the presidency.
We've done run out of candidates that appeal to Texas voters who aren't either transplanted Yankees or yellow dog Democrats (and those guys are dropping like flies from old age). I think we should secede again only this time, let's leave the rest of the South out of it. That's where we got in trouble last time.
My proposal is simple.
1. Re-establish the Republic of Texas. We can't do much about all the Democrats that live around Austin, but at least we have 'em contained in pretty much one area (liberals do make pretty good music, so it's not like they don't contribute at all). They're too wishy washy to be a security threat and Texas' Republican chief executives have pretty good security in case they start chaining themselves to buses and light poles and stuff.
2. Start up our own nuclear weapons program. Texas is, after all, a nuclear power. We build nukes in Amarillo and there are plenty stored at Ft. Hood and the various air bases. We would be the second or third largest nuclear power in the world (if not the first - you know how Texans are about being bigger than everyone else). I think a nuclear armed Texas would scare the crap out of Islamic fascists.
3. We get Halliburton to bang together some aircraft carriers and missle cruisers. The Texas Navy has a history of kicking bigger countrys' butts. Then, we get Lockheed and Vought and Bell Helicopter up in the metroplex to build us an air force. We'd have the second largest military in about 6 months if you include the militia guys out in the piney woods even if it would make the infantry a bit heavy on sharpshooters.
4. We offer to make Alaska part of the Republic of Texas and help them open up the Anwar oil fields. We'll pump it and process it for them. We could join OPEC and start making some real money off this oil crisis thing.
5. Next we conquer Mexico and make them part of the Republic, add their oil fields to the resource pool, clean up their local governments and put everybody down there to work refining oil, building nuclear power plants, better roads and ships and stuff. We'd need to send a handful of Texas Rangers down there to clean up the drug traffickers, but that shouldn't take too long.
6. Of course we'd have to beef up border security or else we'd have Cajuns swimming the Sabine to get over here and steal all the jobs that Texans don't want, but then I know some East Texas guys with spare duck blinds that would do a nice job with border security. You could pay 'em with beer and ammunition.
7. We might consider letting Oklahoma in, but only for the sake of keeping the Cotton Bowl game interesting. They do have some oil too, so they'd be able to pull their own weight. New Mexico might could join, but we'd have to cede Santa Fe' to Colorado - I don't think we could assimilate those guys no matter how much tequila you ran through 'em.
8. We'd sign a peace treaty with what was left of the United States - "You don't bother us and we won't kick your ass". That sort of thing. In exchange we'd replace all the oil and power the Mideast had been selling them and we'd get rich off evil Americans for a change - and we wouldn't feel the need to blow up any buildings in New York!
9. We'd change the stupid state anthem over to The Yellow Rose of Texas so we wouldn't be embarrased because nobody knows the words to the other one.
10. Finally, we should threaten to nuke Little Rock if they ever run another ex-Arkansas governor for US president again. You'd think it wouldn't matter since we would have seceded from the U.S., but it does. If ya'll get yourselves nuked by terrorists, it's gonna be us sweepin' up the fallout, I just know it!
Ya'll will be all like, "Hey, could you real quick send Red Adair's people and some guys from Halliburton up here to clean this up for us - at least help us fill in the hole where Washington, DC was." Then, you guys would spend the next 10 years doing Congressional investigations as to why Halliburton did it on a no-bid contract and whether Carol Keeton Strayhorn used steroids while she was running for Texas governor.
The New York Times turned on the man it endorsed for the Republican nomination today, publishing a story contributed by an "anonymous source" that Senator McCain has been fooling around with a lobbyist for a media conglomerate with business before his committee.
In all fairness, The Times quotes lots of folks who defend him.....
Like Robert Bennett, a former Clinton lawyer
Oh, yeah, that really helps me feel better about it.
They quote ex-staffers who "warned him about the woman".
Then they finish the article by bringing up the Keating incident back in the 80's where McCain was investigated and found to have used "poor judgement" though.
Also, I love the picture where they photoshopped a glamour shot of Cindy McCain behind a shot that makes McCain look like the ultimate dirty old man.
Welcome, Senator McCain, to being the media's favorite Republican candidate. Now that you've pretty much won the thing, you can bet that stories like this are only just beginning. Wait till they start digging up the Keating stuff and running photos of you losing your temper in committee sessions.
There are millions of miles of footage of those sessions in their vaults and you can bet the major networks and every liberal rag in the country is right now pouring through the tape looking for the worst photos of Sen. McCain and the worst on-the-podium tantrums you ever did. I predicted months ago that once Senator McCain seals the nomination, the media would turn on him.
It's going to get ugly. Let me make a few guesses at the tack they'll take.
1. McCain's poor judgement. They've used that twice in the Times piece. They say his staff told him it was poor judgement to be seen with the pretty female lobbyist AND they reminded us in the same article that the senate ethics committee pronounced that he used poor judgement in the affair ot the Keating S&L scandal. Watch for "poor judgement" to become a theme.
2. McCain's famous temper. We'll start seeing clips of the senator berating distraut POW family members during the POW/MIA hearings. We'll hear stories from aids and colleagues about McCain losing his cool in all sorts of situations.
3. McCain's mental stability. Someone will do a story of post traumatic stress disorder and the long term effects on soldiers tortured by the North Vietnamese. They'll run through some aggregiously affected guys, ex-prisoners who "went postal" and then there are those who were successful at getting past it like, oh, presidential candidate John McCain who doesn't seem to have any side effects other than an regrettably hot temper that nobody knew him to have before he was tortured and possibly brain-washed by the communists. Then, the guerilla campaign will start on You-Tube and before this is over more than a third of Americans will be absolutely convinced that McCain is liable to "go postal" and start a nuclear war if he's put under the tremendous pressure of being president.
4. McCain's age. See the photo at the top of the page. McCain looks rough. I once met him. He was leaning against a wall waiting to go into a senate committee meeting. He looked like a dry husk with empty tired eyes. I know I'm not the only one who has seen how frail the senator looks. I'm sure, given his schedule, his brutal treatment as a POW and his age, he has every right to look that way. But remember, going after the presidency is a beauty pagent. All the media has to do is show pretty pictures of Obama and ugly, old guy pictures of McCain to fix firmly in the minds of the Americans that he was too old. Remember they tried to do that with Reagan, but didn't succeed. Reagan was too pretty and too healthy and even after he contracted Alzheimer's, Americans never accepted the media attempts to go back in history and convince people he was senile while in office. McCain, unfortunately, was never an actor and doesn't know how to look good for the camera. He always looks frail and his physical limitations will be held against him as they were with Bob Dole in 1996.
5. McCain's leftward leanings. This won't help him with moderates and it will hurt him badly with conservatives. The media will be all over the "betrayal" of conservatives by McCain and it will depress turnout by the Republican base in this election. Plus they will be all over the lack of endorsements coming from talk radio, which traditionally lines up behind Republicans.
6. McCain's morality. We haven't heard the last of the allegations that McCain fools around.
The ladies on "The View" just lead today's episode with the story in in short order hit on McCain's morality, poor judgement, problems with conservatives, age (an Alzheimer's crack by Joy Behar) and his looks. They haven't recieved all the Democrat anti-McCain talking points yet. I'm sure some are in development. I've only guessed at the high points. I'm sure there are more.
You asked for it, John. I almost feel sorry for you.
Every major invention, innovation and improvement in human history was created by men in order to impress women...
Without women, men would still be living naked in the forest eating berries and raw squirrel. Not a pretty picture....
When men began to be expected to help with the household chores - Voila! The invention of the sewing machine, the washing machine, the dishwasher and toaster oven.
When women got tired of being dragged by the hair when they went out on dates - Voila! The Wheel!
When women got tired of not knowing who to blame for their kids lousy behavior - Voila! Monogamy!
When women got tired of chopping wood and stoking fire places and made men start doing that - Voila! The gas range and the coal furnace.
When women started making men pull up the carpets and beat them - Voila! The vacuum cleaner with 200 attachments so there would never be any danger of their having to do anything remotely like beating carpets again.
When women got tired of their husbands telling the same old stories night after night - Voila! The printing press which lead to the radio and the television and the Internet!
When women got tired of peeing in the woods, bathing in streams and washing dishes in the yard - Voila! Indoor plumbing.
Historically, women have held us men to a high standard of behavior - or at least have through most of the last 7000 years of history. The last 30 years or so, women have been surrendering their position of authority in society. As a result, men all over America are beginning to revert to a primitive knuckle-dragging state.
Males without strong female supervision deteriorate rapidly into grunting wildebeests who smell bad and watch football all day - forgetting, of course, that the television was originally invented by men for the purpose of convincing women to live with us by offering them soap operas and game shows to keep them amused all day while we go forth to get food and animal skins. Only later did we discover you could use it to watch football too.
My advice is, continue to hold them to a high standard of behavior or they will revert to grunting boar hawgs. Make them behave themselves. Make them act like gentlemen. Require a tie when they take you out and verify whether they are, in fact, actually single. Slap 'em if they ain't. They expect it and if you don't give it to them, they think it's because you want them to be low down cheatin' hound dogs.
Men are easily confused. Let them get away with behaving like hounds and they'll never understand that you really want them to behave like knights in shining armor.
We're really easy to control. Most of us are just so glad that you all let us live in the house with you that we'll do practically anything to make sure you are happy so we don't have to sleep in the yard with the Rottweiler.
One caveat, however. We do not know what you are thinking. We do not have your ability to read minds and know what you want.
Ask us if you want something. If you can state your needs in concrete terms, especially if you give us something to do that we actually know how to do like chop wood, climb mountains or fight off packs of wild Dingos, we're there for you.
It's not hard. You just have to recognize our limitations and work around them. Women who are expert horse trainers and dog trainers often make excellent wives. They understand the use of the bit, the spur and the rolled up newspaper (as well as the curry comb, the pat on the head and the soft tone of voice).
One Warning: Some of your sisters seemed determined to undo 7000 years of work done by your mothers and grandmothers and great, great, great grandmothers over the centuries. They are your enemy. They come after your sons and husbands and fathers like some kind of feral she-wolves with no scruples at all. Poorly trained men are confused by this and may begin to exhibit negative behaviors or stray from home. You should do something about these gals. They're messing up the whole deal undoing all our training.
And a confused man is but a short step from reverting to a wildebeest.
The country club Old Geezer Republicans have met in the Bohemian Grove or at the Bilderberg Conference or wherever it is they go to in order to roll the bones and decide whose turn it is to lose a presidential race to the Democrats.
I think I'm angrier at the Republicans than I am with the Democrats. At least the Dems were honest about believing they were smarter than me and they are quite open about knowing how to spend my money better than I do. The country club Rockefeller Republicans also think they are smarter than me, but pretend they don't. They have thoroughly manipulated the primary process in order to get their boy nominated. They expect us conservatives to line up behind him in lock step once they've got him confirmed. I mean, it is John McCain's turn after all.
This is going to be a real surprise to them, but it ain't gonna happen!
They've forgotten what happened when they did that back in 1976 and the disastrous Jimmy Carter walked away with the Oval Office from good old boy, Gerald Ford. They've forgotten 1994 when country clubber George H.W. Bush the Elder betrayed conservatives by hiking taxes and lost the presidency to upstart womanizer Bill Clinton. They were really out to lunch when they picked the elderly Washington insider, Bob Dole and Clinton won again on his way to a near impeachment (saved from that ignominious fate, ironically, by a coalition of Rockefeller Republican senators).
This is the kind of arrogance that gets us into particularly nasty wars (the kind we lose). The "New World Order" schemes of the foreign policy geniuses on the left inevitably go all to hell because everybody else in the world fails to recognize that "the smartest president in history (whoever is the latest Democrat president)" is smarter than they are. After that, we always wind up in a big funky old shooting war with leaders in place who aren't willing to win it.
We got lucky last time that the president whose dim-witted, wimpy efforts at world domination set off the war drums in the first place wasn't the president in office when the planes actually hit the towers. Thank God for George W. Bush, son of a country club Republican who learned a little something from Ronald Reagan and took the fight to the bad guys.
Well, now the Rockefeller Big Government Republicans have set us up to lose the big one again. Expecting the conservatives to fall in line and vote for whoever they are told to vote for is a big mistake. The trouble is that we've had the experience of a real leader in Ronald Reagan and conservatives will never forget how glorious that was.
Till we find one, I don't know about anyone else, but I'm digging a fallout shelter in my backyard.
In the meantime, keep your magic tin-foil hats on to protect your brain. With all the bewildering rhetoric that will be flying about during the run up to November, you're gonna need it.
That awful power, the public opinion of a nation, is created in America by a horde of ignorant, self-complacent simpletons who failed at ditching and shoe-making and fetched up in journalism on their way to the poorhouse. -Mark Twain