Uncle Screwworm - Administrative Assistant
Office of Grand Marshall Goebbeleninstalin.
Bulgea 1313 Fifth Circle
Attila the Hun Memorial Administrative Complex, Hell
Nation Whose Name is not Spoken Among Us, Earth
My Dear Nephew Wormtongue,
I am disappointed to say the least in your performance. I believe I warned you of the consequences of allowing unfettered discussion of your policies in the media by certain elements over which you have limited fiduciary and technical control. Your failure to enact legislation to create a "fair" regulatory system for the news and entertainment media is, perhaps, the greatest failure of your already miserable career.
Did you really think that passing out a few tax rebate trinkets would distract the plebian class from the fact that there are 6 unemployed workers for every available job including the ones flipping burgers? Did you really think that you could get away with continuing to blame your predecessor for everything that goes on for the rest of your administration without somebody catching on?
We gave you that one years ago and it served you well right up until it became obvious that you were the one in charge. To hear you talk about how it's all his fault, you'd think HE was still the president instead of you!
And why, for Lucifer's sake, did you waste a bulletproof majority in the Senate? Did you not realize that even a Kennedy cannot hold a senate seat once he is dead? You have nearly lost the opportunity to collapse the economy. This is essential. If you do not do it before the next election cycle, all may be lost and you will become about as useful as an East Texas Democrat!
And did you actually say, in front of a live microphone, that you weren't aware of the Tea Party movement? Are you deliberately trying to look incompetent. One slip like that and you can spin it with a centrifuge and it won't help.
Ah, but enough coaching. All is not lost. Let me suggest how you recover (short of "accidentally" blowing up a couple of dozen Republicans as that ham-fisted idiot you hired as your chief of staff suggested - you really need to do something about that situation, you really do).
(1) Shut up! The more you say, the easier it is to quote you. Gone are the halcyon days when a politician could give speeches in 3 separate states and say 3 contradictory things and get away with it. Since the invention of the camera cell phone, digital recorders, pocket video taping and YouTube, people can compare your speeches side by side and pick out the exact points where you are obviously adapting the facts to suit the audience. Sadly most of the cretins in your country cannot understand the need for nuance in public speaking. Of course, the sycophantic amateur philosophers we have trained to use that extremely valuable word, "nuance" do understand that. All the 'best schools' teach that you have to "adjust" facts for the consumption of the weak-minded masses. We have had great success promoting the idea that college trained minds are capable of nuanced thought. Our colleges of journalism and marketing are chocked with arrogant youth who believe absolutely the most useful idea that their ideology (which is actually our ideology) is correct and that it is the ideological ends that justify the means. So while they believe that they cannot themselves be fooled by their own propaganda, the untutored masses certainly can be. When you speak doublespeak, they understand that you do so for the sake of the unwashed proletariat and that, since they are not fooled by the lie, they are privvy to the over-arching truth and therefore, above it all.
Unfortunately for you, you great booby, simple people, simply think you're lying! If you are going to outright lie, for Our Father Below's sake, make sure the damned cameras are off! Security concerns and metal detectors are useful in this regard. Did you not learn at Harvard that if you remain silent, people will assume you are wise. You cannot be ridiculed for what you have not said. You may believe your tongue is still golden, but just about no one else still does. Even those who worship you in the media have been hard pressed to continue that faltering ad campaign.
(2) Move faster. Stop apologizing for your failings. Remember, you have the power. You are the power. You are incapable of failure! They must inevitably fall before you. Remember to keep pushing that sense of inevitably. Make it happen. Nothing can stop you, even now.
(3) Keep hammering the Republicans: Remember, the Republicans want desperately to be liked. Stroke them when they are well behaved. As it is when you are training your dog, reward anything that is even close to the behavior you want from them. Reward them with praise and special backdoor rewards that their constituents back home know nothing about. Punish them when they are naughty, but make it come from everywhere else. Then offer them treats if they will sit for you.
(4) Ignore the Tea Parties: This technique worked well to isolate and eliminate dangerous conservatives from being nominated in the last election. Do not talk about them. Do not respond to them. Pretend they do not exist and they will tire and go away. If they do not, you always have the internment camps after the revolution. FEMA has all those nice tents and trailers and Guantanamo will be cleared out.
(5) When the great collapse and revolution comes, remember that, though you personally may not survive, you will have served the greater good. And we will have a special spot for you where you can watch the action. Who knows, if you keep on the way you have been, you might get to "be" the action.