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Friday, February 15, 2008

Women are the Key to Civilization

Every major invention, innovation and improvement in human history was created by men in order to impress women...

Without women, men would still be living naked in the forest eating berries and raw squirrel. Not a pretty picture....

For instance,
  • When men began to be expected to help with the household chores - Voila! The invention of the sewing machine, the washing machine, the dishwasher and toaster oven.

  • When women got tired of being dragged by the hair when they went out on dates - Voila! The Wheel!

  • When women got tired of not knowing who to blame for their kids lousy behavior - Voila! Monogamy!

  • When women got tired of chopping wood and stoking fire places and made men start doing that - Voila! The gas range and the coal furnace.

  • When women started making men pull up the carpets and beat them - Voila! The vacuum cleaner with 200 attachments so there would never be any danger of their having to do anything remotely like beating carpets again.

  • When women got tired of their husbands telling the same old stories night after night - Voila! The printing press which lead to the radio and the television and the Internet!

  • When women got tired of peeing in the woods, bathing in streams and washing dishes in the yard - Voila! Indoor plumbing.
Historically, women have held us men to a high standard of behavior - or at least have through most of the last 7000 years of history. The last 30 years or so, women have been surrendering their position of authority in society. As a result, men all over America are beginning to revert to a primitive knuckle-dragging state.

Males without strong female supervision deteriorate rapidly into grunting wildebeests who smell bad and watch football all day - forgetting, of course, that the television was originally invented by men for the purpose of convincing women to live with us by offering them soap operas and game shows to keep them amused all day while we go forth to get food and animal skins. Only later did we discover you could use it to watch football too.

My advice is, continue to hold them to a high standard of behavior or they will revert to grunting boar hawgs. Make them behave themselves. Make them act like gentlemen. Require a tie when they take you out and verify whether they are, in fact, actually single. Slap 'em if they ain't. They expect it and if you don't give it to them, they think it's because you want them to be low down cheatin' hound dogs.

Men are easily confused. Let them get away with behaving like hounds and they'll never understand that you really want them to behave like knights in shining armor.

We're really easy to control. Most of us are just so glad that you all let us live in the house with you that we'll do practically anything to make sure you are happy so we don't have to sleep in the yard with the Rottweiler.

One caveat, however. We do not know what you are thinking. We do not have your ability to read minds and know what you want.

Ask us if you want something. If you can state your needs in concrete terms, especially if you give us something to do that we actually know how to do like chop wood, climb mountains or fight off packs of wild Dingos, we're there for you.

It's not hard. You just have to recognize our limitations and work around them. Women who are expert horse trainers and dog trainers often make excellent wives. They understand the use of the bit, the spur and the rolled up newspaper (as well as the curry comb, the pat on the head and the soft tone of voice).

One Warning: Some of your sisters seemed determined to undo 7000 years of work done by your mothers and grandmothers and great, great, great grandmothers over the centuries. They are your enemy. They come after your sons and husbands and fathers like some kind of feral she-wolves with no scruples at all. Poorly trained men are confused by this and may begin to exhibit negative behaviors or stray from home. You should do something about these gals. They're messing up the whole deal undoing all our training.

And a confused man is but a short step from reverting to a wildebeest.

I'm just saying....

Tom King

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