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Friday, February 29, 2008

The Republic of Texas - An Idea Whose Time Has Come Again!

There's a lot of loose talk going around East Texas lately about seceding from the Union. First it was if Hillary won the presidency. Later it was if Obama won the election. Lately it's if McCain wins the presidency.

We've done run out of candidates that appeal to Texas voters who aren't either transplanted Yankees or yellow dog Democrats (and those guys are dropping like flies from old age). I think we should secede again only this time, let's leave the rest of the South out of it. That's where we got in trouble last time.

My proposal is simple.

1. Re-establish the Republic of Texas. We can't do much about all the Democrats that live around Austin, but at least we have 'em contained in pretty much one area (liberals do make pretty good music, so it's not like they don't contribute at all). They're too wishy washy to be a security threat and Texas' Republican chief executives have pretty good security in case they start chaining themselves to buses and light poles and stuff.

2. Start up our own nuclear weapons program. Texas is, after all, a nuclear power. We build nukes in Amarillo and there are plenty stored at Ft. Hood and the various air bases. We would be the second or third largest nuclear power in the world (if not the first - you know how Texans are about being bigger than everyone else). I think a nuclear armed Texas would scare the crap out of Islamic fascists.

3. We get Halliburton to bang together some aircraft carriers and missle cruisers. The Texas Navy has a history of kicking bigger countrys' butts. Then, we get Lockheed and Vought and Bell Helicopter up in the metroplex to build us an air force. We'd have the second largest military in about 6 months if you include the militia guys out in the piney woods even if it would make the infantry a bit heavy on sharpshooters.

4. We offer to make Alaska part of the Republic of Texas and help them open up the Anwar oil fields. We'll pump it and process it for them. We could join OPEC and start making some real money off this oil crisis thing.

5. Next we conquer Mexico and make them part of the Republic, add their oil fields to the resource pool, clean up their local governments and put everybody down there to work refining oil, building nuclear power plants, better roads and ships and stuff. We'd need to send a handful of Texas Rangers down there to clean up the drug traffickers, but that shouldn't take too long.

6. Of course we'd have to beef up border security or else we'd have Cajuns swimming the Sabine to get over here and steal all the jobs that Texans don't want, but then I know some East Texas guys with spare duck blinds that would do a nice job with border security. You could pay 'em with beer and ammunition.

7. We might consider letting Oklahoma in, but only for the sake of keeping the Cotton Bowl game interesting. They do have some oil too, so they'd be able to pull their own weight. New Mexico might could join, but we'd have to cede Santa Fe' to Colorado - I don't think we could assimilate those guys no matter how much tequila you ran through 'em.

8. We'd sign a peace treaty with what was left of the United States - "You don't bother us and we won't kick your ass". That sort of thing. In exchange we'd replace all the oil and power the Mideast had been selling them and we'd get rich off evil Americans for a change - and we wouldn't feel the need to blow up any buildings in New York!

9. We'd change the stupid state anthem over to The Yellow Rose of Texas so we wouldn't be embarrased because nobody knows the words to the other one.

10. Finally, we should threaten to nuke Little Rock if they ever run another ex-Arkansas governor for US president again. You'd think it wouldn't matter since we would have seceded from the U.S., but it does. If ya'll get yourselves nuked by terrorists, it's gonna be us sweepin' up the fallout, I just know it!

Ya'll will be all like, "Hey, could you real quick send Red Adair's people and some guys from Halliburton up here to clean this up for us - at least help us fill in the hole where Washington, DC was." Then, you guys would spend the next 10 years doing Congressional investigations as to why Halliburton did it on a no-bid contract and whether Carol Keeton Strayhorn used steroids while she was running for Texas governor.

I'm just sayin'

Tom King, Texan


Anonymous said...

Being a third generation Texan I have to add my opion to your babbel.
Everyone knows that east Texans only like and trust east Texans so it's no surprise to hear this sort of nonsensical parinoia coming from an east Texan.
I wouldn't count on the surounding states to join since they don't really like "the Ugly Texan" (a common term in most Southwestern states) all that much, and when the borders are locked down by the adjoining states and Mexico rushes the border ya'll will be easy pickins trying to cross the Red River stuck in that George Washington Clay. Of course there will need to be an air lift out of Austin to save what's worth saving.

Tom King said...

Let me guess? Democrat!

The lack of a signature sort of gives it away - that and the thinly disguised loathing of your home state.

You guys don't have much of a sense of humor do you? This whole post was satirical. That means its a joke for those of you who live in the Austin area. I'll try to explain.

Just because the Dem's have a pair of shrieking socialists in the presidential race, doesn't mean you've got either of 'em elected yet. Don't get too terribly cocky.

I'm an East Texan and I trust people who are trustworthy - doesn't matter where they live, so the "everybody knows" statement is patently overstated since there are those that would disagree with you.

In checking the stories I see in the media and the claims that are being hammered at me on the incessant Clinton/Obama commercials over the past weeks, I have made some judgements about who it is safe to trust out there.

The establishment of both parties and the media have decided we're all pretty thick. I just can't resist poking fun at all those ridiculously over-inflated egos that have confidently decided they've outfoxed conservatives this time and have set the country on an inevitable march toward the wonderful future of world socialism.

I have legitimate concerns about willy nilly claims that you can (1) decimate the corporate and small business machine that powers our economy through heavy taxation, (2) give everybody universal health care and a cradle to grave safety net, (3) take away personal transportation in America in the name of saving us from a fictional "global warming" threat, (4) disarm the populace in the interest of "public safety", (5)shut down talk radio through implementation of "The Fairness Doctrine" and (6)shut down our military thereby creating instant world peace.

It's a recipe for disaster. The secession idea isn't paranoia - it's an attempt to express concern that we make some attempt to salvage one part of the American economy that's still relatively healthy and active. The first state they'll stick a siphon into to fund the new socialist dream state will be Texas because its economy is still moving along nicely thank you.

This wasn't a serious proposal. It was a joke. No need to call the Gestapo. I'm not dangerous. I'm not a secessionist. The best I'll be able to hope for in the coming disaster is that Jesus will come before the rioting and cannibalism gets too bad...

You think I'm kidding, but I'm not. I think an attempt to socialize this government on the scale that Hill and Barak propose will collapse our economy to a state comparable to that of the third world and breed anarchy. I've also read history. When socialist government schemes of Utopia fall apart, rather than admit it's not working, they tend to execute 20 million or so of their citizens that point out that the system isn't working. They do this ostensibly to control negative public relations. Don't ask me how they think that's a good idea - maybe because Stalin got away with it when global communism starting getting gamey.

I approved this comment this time, but you really need to put a name to it next time, just so we know how to address the note.

I'm just sayin'

Tom King