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Friday, February 29, 2008
The Republic of Texas - An Idea Whose Time Has Come Again!
There's a lot of loose talk going around East Texas lately about seceding from the Union. First it was if Hillary won the presidency. Later it was if Obama won the election. Lately it's if McCain wins the presidency.
We've done run out of candidates that appeal to Texas voters who aren't either transplanted Yankees or yellow dog Democrats (and those guys are dropping like flies from old age). I think we should secede again only this time, let's leave the rest of the South out of it. That's where we got in trouble last time.
My proposal is simple.
1. Re-establish the Republic of Texas. We can't do much about all the Democrats that live around Austin, but at least we have 'em contained in pretty much one area (liberals do make pretty good music, so it's not like they don't contribute at all). They're too wishy washy to be a security threat and Texas' Republican chief executives have pretty good security in case they start chaining themselves to buses and light poles and stuff.
2. Start up our own nuclear weapons program. Texas is, after all, a nuclear power. We build nukes in Amarillo and there are plenty stored at Ft. Hood and the various air bases. We would be the second or third largest nuclear power in the world (if not the first - you know how Texans are about being bigger than everyone else). I think a nuclear armed Texas would scare the crap out of Islamic fascists.
3. We get Halliburton to bang together some aircraft carriers and missle cruisers. The Texas Navy has a history of kicking bigger countrys' butts. Then, we get Lockheed and Vought and Bell Helicopter up in the metroplex to build us an air force. We'd have the second largest military in about 6 months if you include the militia guys out in the piney woods even if it would make the infantry a bit heavy on sharpshooters.
4. We offer to make Alaska part of the Republic of Texas and help them open up the Anwar oil fields. We'll pump it and process it for them. We could join OPEC and start making some real money off this oil crisis thing.
5. Next we conquer Mexico and make them part of the Republic, add their oil fields to the resource pool, clean up their local governments and put everybody down there to work refining oil, building nuclear power plants, better roads and ships and stuff. We'd need to send a handful of Texas Rangers down there to clean up the drug traffickers, but that shouldn't take too long.
6. Of course we'd have to beef up border security or else we'd have Cajuns swimming the Sabine to get over here and steal all the jobs that Texans don't want, but then I know some East Texas guys with spare duck blinds that would do a nice job with border security. You could pay 'em with beer and ammunition.
7. We might consider letting Oklahoma in, but only for the sake of keeping the Cotton Bowl game interesting. They do have some oil too, so they'd be able to pull their own weight. New Mexico might could join, but we'd have to cede Santa Fe' to Colorado - I don't think we could assimilate those guys no matter how much tequila you ran through 'em.
8. We'd sign a peace treaty with what was left of the United States - "You don't bother us and we won't kick your ass". That sort of thing. In exchange we'd replace all the oil and power the Mideast had been selling them and we'd get rich off evil Americans for a change - and we wouldn't feel the need to blow up any buildings in New York!
9. We'd change the stupid state anthem over to The Yellow Rose of Texas so we wouldn't be embarrased because nobody knows the words to the other one.
10. Finally, we should threaten to nuke Little Rock if they ever run another ex-Arkansas governor for US president again. You'd think it wouldn't matter since we would have seceded from the U.S., but it does. If ya'll get yourselves nuked by terrorists, it's gonna be us sweepin' up the fallout, I just know it!
Ya'll will be all like, "Hey, could you real quick send Red Adair's people and some guys from Halliburton up here to clean this up for us - at least help us fill in the hole where Washington, DC was." Then, you guys would spend the next 10 years doing Congressional investigations as to why Halliburton did it on a no-bid contract and whether Carol Keeton Strayhorn used steroids while she was running for Texas governor.
That awful power, the public opinion of a nation, is created in America by a horde of ignorant, self-complacent simpletons who failed at ditching and shoe-making and fetched up in journalism on their way to the poorhouse. -Mark Twain