Something similar to this went round a few years back. I touched it up a bit to meet my somewhat higher standard at the time since I had a daughter of "that age". I printed up a batch of these in case any candidates decided to show up on my doorstep with "intentions". I gave one young man a copy to fill out and returned to cleaning my shotgun. He turned pale and sneaked out while I wasn't looking. I last saw him running across the front lawn in the recommended "serpentine fashion". - T. King (2013)
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION
TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be considered incomplete and will be summarily rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, family lineage (7 generation minimum), current blood test and medical report from your doctor.
2. DATE OF BIRTH:____________________
4. WEIGHT:_____________ I.Q.__________ G.P.A._________
5. SOCIAL SECURITY #:________________________
6. DRIVER’S LICENSE #______________________
7. BOY SCOUT RANK:_________________
8. NUMBER OF MERIT BADGES EARNED:______________
9. HOME ADDRESS:______________
10. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?
If NO, explain:__________________________________
11. Date Parents married:________________
12. Date of your birth (for calculation purposes):_______________
13. Number of years Parents married:__________
Grandparents?:_______ Great Grandparents?___________
14. Do you own:
A. A van:_____
B. A truck with over-sized tires?________
C. Low profile tires?_________
D. A car stereo with speakers larger than 4 inches
E. A Harley Davidson motorcycle:_______
F. Leather clothing of any kind?_____
G. A waterbed?_____
H. An earring, nose or belly button ring?_____
I. A tattoo?_____
J. Fuzzy Dice:______
K. A bandana?______
L. An unusual haircut?______
M. Do you have any homeboys?_________
N. Does your underwear extend above your pants
more than 3 inches____
Warning: If you answered "YES" to A, G, H or I above, discontinue
application and leave premises while you still can. If you answered
"yes" to item N and are a full-time professional plumber or
appliance repairman, you get a "by" on this one.
15. In 25 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?
16. In 25 words or less, what does DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?
17. In 25 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?
18. Church you attend:____________________________
19. How often do you attend?_____________________
20. Best time to interview you father, mother, pastor, priest or rabbi?
Answer by filling in the blank and please answer freely; all answers are confidential.
(That means I won’t tell anyone not related to or employed by me – I promise!)
A. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want
to be wounded is in the _______________________
B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my
C. A woman’s place is....__________________________
D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is
E. When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her is her
F. What do you want to be IF permitted to grow up?
*Note: If answer “E” begins with “T” or “A”, discontinue application process immediately and leave premises. Keep your head low and run in a serpentine fashion.
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, BEHEADING, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS AND/OR VIVISECTION WITH BLUNT INSTRUMENTS.
Date (for county mortuary records):____________________
(That means sign your name, Einstein!)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (in the unlikely event that you are, in fact, even remotely literate). If your application is rejected , you will be notified, in person, by two gentlemen wearing Italian suits and carrying what appear to be musical instrument cases. Do not write below this line.
FOR PARENTAL USE ONLY
___ Rejected - Escaped
___ Rejected - Phone coroner
___ Rejected - Phone Guido and Rocky
___ Rejected - Soiled himself during interview phase (basically harmless)
___ Rejected - Wrote below the line (incapable of accepting instruction - send G and R to “educate”).
___ Rejected - Insufficient merit badges (allow to remain alive)
___ Accepted - (Yeah, right!)