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Thursday, September 29, 2011

Uncle Tom's Handy Dandy Carbon Offset Credits - Get 'em While They're Hot!

(c) 2011 by Tom King

A word to my fellow Facebookers and forum posters on the left and right.  It has been recently brought to my attention that excessive bloviation may produce increased significant increases in levels of atmospheric CO2.  If this is the case I suspect that global warming discussion threads as found on such weighty scientific forums like Facebook, MySpace, Google Plus and the Banjo Hangout are in danger of becoming major sources of greenhouse gases.

To head off this problem for the sake of the planet and to prevent possible new regulation by the Environmental Protection Agency. I have decided to be pro-active. So, today I am announcing my newest product: carbon offset credits for obsessive global warming posters (COCOGWPs). Now, anyone who wishes to post page after page of dry statistics, graphs, charts and web-page links, can do so guilt-free.  All you have to do is purchase carbon offset credits (COCOGWPs) from me.  Now your bloviations on the subject of anthropogenic global climate change can be totally carbon neutral. For the modest price of $3.50 per credit, you can go on and on and on and on about anthropogenic global warming or even about how anthropogenic global warming is a total crock - your choice - and do so completely guilt free.

The benefits of buying Uncle Tom's Handy Dandy Carbon Credits include:
  1. They are inexpensive. For just the price of one ticket on the Loch Ness Monster Boat Tour, you can erase any guilt you might feel about using more than your share of the Earth's resources.
  2. They are easy to purchase. Simply send your $3.50 per COCOGWP to my e-mail address (  via Paypal. Easy peasy - take it out of your eBay profits and your wife need never know you've been obsessing over global warming on Facebook again.
  3. 10 percent of proceeds will be donated to a charity I like, eventually, once I pay for a bigger motor for my new fishing boat.
  4. Your purchase helps me avoid having to work at a real job where I might be forced to produce carbon against my will (this way my carbon production is entirely for a good cause, is voluntary and I can stop at any time if I really want to).
  5. I'm much less obnoxious than Al Gore and can tell a joke with a proper punchline.
  6. Uncle Tom's Handy Dandy Carbon Credits free you from all guilt associated with rattling on and on interminably about global warming and filling up all those extra hard drives on all those extra servers Mark Zuckerberg has to install just to keep up with Facebook's global warming archives.
  7. As an added premium your carbon credits come with a free membership in the premier nonprofit support group for people who have trouble stopping themselves from talking about global warming.  It's called "On and On and On ANON" and your membership is free with the purchase of 7 or more carbon credits.
  8. With your purchase of ten or more Uncle Tom's Handy Dandy Carbon Credits you also get a ticket to a free special class for your loved ones. This training class for spouses and families of people who talk incessantly about global warming includes -
  • Choosing a bat to match your arm length
  • Placing your stroke for maximum effect and minimal obvious bruising
  • Using common household items when your bat is not handy
  • Making it look like an accident - it's all in the setup
  • Convincing your loved one he was struck by a loose blade from the ceiling fan
  • What to tell the police - surefire ways to get you off with probation and time served
  • Timing your interventions to achieve the maximum negative behavioral conditioning effect
How does it work?

The beauty of Uncle Tom's Handy Dandy Carbon Offset Credits is that, not only does it reduce carbon, sulfur and other emissions too ghastly to mention here, but it also prevents the death of tens of thousands AT THE SAME TIME. You see, I live in the shadow of the most dangerous active volcano in North America - Mt. Ranier. At any moment it could go off and pour millions of tons of carbon, sulfur and other noxious gases and ash into the atmosphere and send a flood of mud, rock and debris sweeping down the Puyallup, Carbon and Green River Valleys with little or no notice, destroying dozens of picturesque, environmentally friendly towns that carefully recycle all their trash and industrial waste and burying tens of thousands of environmentally-conscious Washingtonians beneath a 50 to 100 foot wall of melted glacier muck.  The real tragedy would be that THE millions of dollars these communities have spent to reduce global warming and thereby increase the size of the Mt. Ranier glaciers would be lost along with the glaciers themselves if the mountain were to erupt. I have therefore begun a program to prevent this disaster and, at the same time provide a way for environmentally-conscious Americans to feel smug and guilt-free.

Every six months I will climb the flanks of Mt. Ranier and plant one pine cone for each carbon credit purchased through Uncle Tom's Handy Dandy Carbon Offset Credits program. These pine cones will grow into trees, their roots will reach down into the mountain and press apart the loose volcanic rocks which make up the outer shell of the mountain. This will, according to scientists at the Blossomville Community College Vulcanology Center (you should have seen their science fair project last year), expand the outer shell of the mountain, increasing the "gas carrying capacity" of the volcano shaft significantly. If we continue this program* and steadily increase the number of pine cones planted, with your help we can create a "green blanket" that should cool the atmosphere around the mountain and further increase the depth of the snow pack above the tree line. This dense snow pack will theoretically cool the inside of the mountain, causing the gases inside to contract, further enhancing the mountain's carrying capacity and delaying the inevitable eruption of the volcano by decades - long enough for those who bought carbon credits for their jets and jacuzzis to croak off so they won't care anymore whether the mountain blows up or not.


Uncle Tom

* This program was inspired by the economic stimulus programs initiated by the United States Congress and the President to prevent the economy from going bust by putting the whole thing off till after we're all safely dead. The principle behind Uncle Tom's Handy Dandy Carbon Offset Credits. As one of the great modern philosophers whose philanthropic work, in part, inspired the idea of COCOGWPs has said:

"I don't believe in guilt, I believe in living on impulse."  - Angelina Jolie


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