The Government Will Save Me!

On Rescuing Democrats in a Hurricane

Texans impacted by Hurricane Harvey are not out of the woods yet, but Texans are coping. We are a sturdy, stubborn and innovative people.  I saw a picture this morning of a half-submerged house where the family had staked out camping tents on the roof and had food and water and camp cooking stuff up there with them waiting out the flood waters. THAT is how Texans behave in a crisis.

I remember stories from Hurricane Katrina of volunteer first responders with boats being turned back by New Orleans police because the mayor had ordered that only government agencies be allowed into the hurricane ravaged city. As a result people sat on their houses for days waiting for the Feds to arrive. Apparently the (also a Democrat) mayor of Houston refused to evacuate. Lets hope HE knows enough to let friends and neighbors lend a hand. (Note*** Apparently he does - see below). As it is, Texans still have managed to hold down the loss of life from Harvey to single digits so far while Katrina claimed more than 1800 lives. They never were actually able to count all the dead.

There's an old story I just made up about a Democrat whose home was flooded during Hurricane Rita. He was sitting on his roof watching the waters rise and suddenly got religion. "God," he prayed eying the rising water. "Send the government to save me!"

A while later the water was over his front porch and a neighbor floated by in a big yellow raft. "Come on," he cried out to the Democrat. "I'll get you out of here."

"No," the Democrat cried. "I'm waiting for FEMA. They'll have a trailer I can stay in and it’ll have a television." The neighbor shrugged and paddled on.

An hour later the water was halfway up the windows of his house. The head deacon from the church down the street came by in a canoe and offered to take him to safety.  "No!" the Democrat shouted back. "I'm waiting for the Coast Guard to come. They'll have warm blankets and hot food on board for me."  The deacon paddled off.

An hour later the water was at the eaves of the roof and he was getting nervous.  A couple of fishermen in a bass boat came chugging down the street and pulled up to his roof. “Get in, the water’s rising fast,” they urged.

”No, that’s okay,” the Democrat shook his head. “The National Guard will soon come and rescue me and take me to an evacuation shelter where there will be beds and food.” He waved them off.

An hour later he’s sitting on his chimney completely surrounded by water which is over his roof. He’s seen an alligator from the nearby bayou swim by a couple of times.  “He hears the thump thump thump of a helicopter overhead. It pauses directly above him and suddenly a sling drops down beside him.

”Put your arms in the sling and we’ll pull you up,” a voice shouts through a bullhorn.  The Democrat looks up and realizes the helicopter is from one of Exxon’s Gulf oil rigs. By this time he's losing faith in the government to come and rescue him, but he sticks to his ideological guns.

”No!” he shouts back. “I can’t trust you people. You’re destroying the environment. I hear that the Sierra Club will be sending helicopters to rescue people. This disaster is caused by global warming. They should be the ones to rescue me not the ones who caused it.” And he refused to climb into the sling. The helicopter pulled up the sling and flew off to rescue others.

The water rose and eventually washed the Democrat and his house away. The sheriff’s department found the Democrat floating face down in the swamps along the coast once the waters receded. Next thing the Democrat knows he’s standing before the judgment seat before the Pearly Gates, his clothes all soggy and covered with mud. 

“What happened?” he demanded of the recording angel at the desk when he got to the front of the line.  “I asked for help from you people,” the Democrat complained. “Isn’t that your job to save people. I think you guys are seriously falling down on your responsibilities. I want to file a complaint.”

“A complaint?” the angel asked incredulously. “We sent you a raft, a canoe, a bass boat and a helicopter. What more did you want?”  Then the Democrat disappears in a puff of smoke.”

”Next,” says the angel.

© 2017 by Tom King

* No actual Democrats were harmed in the making of this story. Perhaps a few got their knickers in a twist but given some of the nasty things they’ve said about me and president Trumplately, I consider this little story a very mild response - especially to the Hitler references. That was really tacky. You should all be ashamed.

** To my friends who think this story is in poor taste, I'd like to remind you of how tasteless the treatment of President Bush was in the wake of the Katrina hurricane in New Orleans - a situation that was not his fault and was aggravated by a Mayor (D) who kept out aid while he threw a tantrum and tried to bury the evidence of his years of embezzlement before he was tried and convicted and sent to the posh prison where they keep Louisiana's (D) governors and judges and miscellaneous politicians who get caught with their hands in the till. 

*** I'm so proud of the way Texans handled this. What happened in Katrina is NOT happening in Texas. Everybody is working together to rescue everyone else. Even Houston's mayor who I earlier criticized for not evacuating made his case and I now agree with his decision. Along the Texas coast we are not Democrats and Republicans, we are not liberals and conservatives. We are not Hispanic, black, white or Asian. We are TEXANS and I couldn't be prouder of my state and how they responded to this crisis.