Search This Blog

Thursday, December 08, 2011

Only You Can Save A Homeless Fruitcake

Each Christmas millions of fruitcakes are packed in boxes, wrapped and mailed to our unsuspecting loved ones. Tragically, millions of these innocent fruitcakes are abandoned, re-gifted and eventually left to molder on sideboards in the hall and cupboards in the pantry.

You can stop this tragedy, save innocent fruitcakes and help support your local post office, FedEx or UPS carrier during the Christmas season. Don’t re-gift unwanted fruitcakes. Your friends probably don’t like them either. Don’t make them angry. And don’t overload your trash can with uneaten fruitcakes. Your trash man could get a hernia lifting them up and you could wind up with a nasty lawsuit on your hands.

Instead, play it safe. Simply rewrap your unwanted fruitcakes in the box they came in and mail them to:

Uncle Tom’s Home for Unwanted Fruitcakes
13122 152nd ST E. 
Puyallup, WA 98374 

Uncle Tom will give your unwanted fruitcake a loving home for the holidays. Your fruitcake will be with people who love fruitcakes for who they are and who will give them an honored place on the holiday table for Christmas.

Knowing your fruitcake has found a happy place for the holiday, you can go on with your Christmas celebrations completely guilt-free. 

And your welcome…….

Uncle Tom 

*Uncle Tom’s Home for Unwanted Fruitcakes is, in fact, a nonprofit organization, although the IRS probably isn’t going to see it quite that way. If you want a receipt, we’ll send you a colorful decorative certificate in honor of your generous contribution to saving innocent fruitcakes from homelessness at the Christmas season. (Really, we will – I have one made up). You can try to claim a deduction for your fruitcake contribution on your taxes, but that’s between you and the IRS and we can’t be responsible for attorney’s fees or any jail time you might get from the deal. 

3 comments:

Mark Milliorn said...

Haven't--thankfully--seen a fruit cake in years. Except for the leftecks I work with here at the university. That photo triggered an instant gagging reflex and I swear I could smell it. If someone does forward one to you, I suggest that you send it North Korea so the entire Mentally Il family can enjoy it.

Tom King said...

Two reasons NOT to send my fruitcakes to Kim Dong Ding & Co.

1. I really do like fruitcake.

2. My computer ain't much and it don't work well, but I do NOT want to be hacked by the minions of the Dear Leader.

Tom King said...

...and did I mention I like fruitcake. There's a bakery in Corsicana that makes these things and mails them everywhere on your order. They come in a beautiful tin box. I absolutely love those things and I am NOT a leftneck.