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Going for the Green by Tom King
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Friday, January 01, 2010
Uncle Tom's Month by Month Prognostications for the New Year
I the great and magnificent Uncle Tom, grand wizard extraordinarious of the most excellent order of wiseacres, the legion of quintagenarians, the most noble cadre of the knights of bloviatistics and prognosticator par excellence do hereby offer up my never-fail "2010 - HEADLINES OF THE FUTURE":
1. January 2010 - Michelle Obama Files for Divorce: The president's wife packs up the kids and leaves the White House in a snit complaining, "He spends more time with that d!@#$#d teleprompter than he does with me!" White House sources report that Michelle is staying with good friend Tiger Woods while she discusses plans to force sale of the White House as part of the divorce settlement.
2. February 2010 - The Morning New York Based Talk Show Host Who Broadcasts from Rockefeller Center Fairness Doctrine Passes: Congress sends The Morning New York Based Talk Show Host Who Broadcasts from Rockefeller Center Fairness Doctrine to President Obama for his signature today. The new law prohibits chubby talk show hosts who broadcasts mornings from Rockefeller Center in New York from "inciting citizens to political rallies, weeping on the air and ratting out Czars, press secretaries and other known communists working for the president of the United States."
3. March 2010 - Nancy Pelosi Released from Hospital After Recent "Checkup": Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, shown here at this morning's press conference says she's ready and rarin' to go for another 6 months after what she calls a "routine checkup".
4. April 2010: House Passes Botox Initiative: The House of Representative pass a massive new new funding initiative supporting research into alternatives to Botox for 'rehabilitative medical procedures'. House Banking Committee Chairperson, Barney Frank expressed hope that science would provide some eye relief for the families and colleagues of Botox accident victims.
5. May 2010 - Joe Biden Announces Cinco de Mayo Initiative: Vice President Joe Biden and Senator Al Franken from Minnesota today announced a new senate bill that will, according to the vice-president, provide free jars of mayonnaise to all newly arrived undocumented workers in the United States. "We want to properly welcome newly ensla...., I mean employed workers to our country with a taste of their home country," said Biden. When asked what mayonnaise had to do with Mexico, Biden pointed out that Mexicans have a whole festival about the familiar condiment, called 'Cinco de Mayo'. "We just want to give them something they can use to get the festivities started," Biden explained. "Think of it as a recognition of the cultural diversity this administration wishes to encourage in America." When asked how providing jars of mayonnaise to illegal aliens was in any sense a good idea, Franken stated, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and dog-gone it, people like me."
6. June 2010 GE buys Kraft Food: After 3 months of frantic negotiations, GE Chairman Jeffrey Immelt announces the acquisition of Kraft Products, Inc. by the General Electric. We see a lot of potential for growth in the coming months for Kraft, especially its condiments product lines. When asked about the apparent rush to complete the merger, Immelt said only that one of the partners apparently "jumped the gun" in announcing a key element of the merger plan. "Apparently two of the partners involved in negotiations found an idea they liked and ran with it before they told the rest of us," said Immelt with some obvious exasperation.
7. July 2010 - President Proclaims July 4 "International Unity Day": President Barak Obama announces that July 4 will henceforth be known as International Unity Day in recognition of his own administrations massive effort to promote solidarity with the great peoples of Europe, Asia and Africa and to educate the masses about the importance of participating actively in the formation of a future global union. International Unity Day will capture the imagination of those who have for so long misunderstood the peaceful character of the American people and our longing to be reunited with the cultures of our forefathers," said the president in his historic address. "I believe that gestures like these will change world opinion about an America that has for the past decade been seen globally as a powerful and dangerous force in the world."
8. August 2010 - Man-Made Disaster Incident in New York Harbor Could Have a Positive Effect on International Relations: When a person of unspecified religious convictions touched off the bomb strapped to his or her chest and toppled the Statue of Liberty face first into New York harbor, he may have done America a favor, says White House Spokesman Robert Gibbs. "Lets face it, the statue is a hateful symbol of American dominance in many parts of the world. If we just leave it there on the bottom of the harbor, perhaps they'll forget it was ever there and become our friends." New York City Officials announced the opening next month of the Statue of Liberty Underwater Adventure, a submarine tour of the wreckage expected to attract 100,000 visitors per month to the now barren Liberty Island.
9. September 2010 - Stock Market falls Only 200 Points on Latest Employment Numbers: Clear signs that the economic crisis is coming to a close, slow the stock market slide to a crawl in August on news that 6 out of 10 American workers are now employed by the government in some capacity. News that President Obama's employment goals are within reach sent spasms of joy through the marketplace. The price of tomatoes dropped in response to the announcement to a 3 month low of $75 per pound.
10. October 2010 - California Ketchup Heist Bandits Still at Large: Witnesses failed to provide clear descriptions of the 25 unidentified robbers who hijacked an entire trainload of tomatoes as it cleared the Sierras on it's way east to the ketchup factories of Ohio and Virginia. Two organizations claimed credit for the raid, The Society for the Liberation of Any Vegetables that are Exploited (SLAVE) and Al Quaeda's Committee for the Unification of Arabs and Americans. "Since when have liberal infidels worn burkha's to commit acts of man-made disaster?" demanded Osama Ben Laden in an interview at his Al-Quaeda America offices in downtown Washington, DC.
11. November 2010 - Harry Reid Retires from Senate: Harry Reid announced his retirement from the senate today citing the need to "spend more time with my family". Reid announced plans to vacate his Senate offices in January when Nevada Senator-elect Danny Tarkanian is expected to take office.
12. December 2010 - Prominent Prophet Arrested: Famous prognosticator and blogger Tom King was arrested to day for failing to buy AIG's new semi-public health insurance, life insurance, food insurance, bicycle warranty insurance, spotted owl liability insurance, and independent political thought insurance.
That awful power, the public opinion of a nation, is created in America by a horde of ignorant, self-complacent simpletons who failed at ditching and shoe-making and fetched up in journalism on their way to the poorhouse. -Mark Twain