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Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Officials Search for Taliban Recruiter - Hey, Where Do I Apply?
According to the Sunday paper headlines officials are searching for a Taliban recruiter. As a good card-carrying conservative, I decided rather than actually reading the article, I'd just go ahead and go off on a rant if that's okay with you.
The economy sucks. Nearly one in five of us is out of work if you count the guys that flat gave it up and are hibernating for the winter. I saw that headline about them needing a Taliban recruiter and I thought, "You know, I could do that."
I could send those boys some real prizes to trick out as suicide bombers. America is such a fertile ground for finding candidates for a job as a one way mystery shopper. Besides, I've got the hat! I can imagine the interviews with the fellers I'd send old Achmacrankypants the Terrorist Human Resources Director.
SCENE: A Cave in Afghanistan (Achmacrankypants the Terrorist Human Resources Director enters and seats himself behind a dead water buffalo that is serving as a desk.)
Achmacrankypants: Miss Farouch, send in first Amerikan jihadist applicant! And bring me coffee – extra goat milk. My stomach is making noise like camel.
Miss Farouch: Infidel number 1. Approach!
Cletus: “Howdy there.”
Achmacrankypants: You are Mr. Cletus Hogwallow
Achmacrankypants: You wish to join the Taliban and kill imperialist Yankee dogs?
Cletus: Jest point me toward them rascals.
Achmacrankypants: You will wage jihad!
Achmacrankypants: It is called Jihad!
Achmacrankypants: No, it is Jihad!
Cletus: That's what I said. Yeeha!
Achmacrankypants: I am admiring your spirits. Let's try on special vest.
(Hands vest with dynamite and detonators to Cletus)
Cletus: Hey, I like this outfit there Mr. :Poopypants. Hoo, boy, that there's some big old shotgun shells on this thang.
Achmacrankypants: Now, we just plug this wire in here like this. Now you hold this little box like this.....
Cletus: I gotcha. This is one o' them radio thangs or somethin' ain't it?
Achmacrankypants: Yes, Mr. Cletus. You must go and stand in the Yankee Imperialist Swine Market and push this button when I say to push it.
Cletus: Like this?
Achmacrankypants: No, no, no. You must wait until I say “Push” on the radio.
Achmacrankypants: Yes, Push!
I bet I can find a bunch of really exciting new Taliban recruits for 'em.
That awful power, the public opinion of a nation, is created in America by a horde of ignorant, self-complacent simpletons who failed at ditching and shoe-making and fetched up in journalism on their way to the poorhouse. -Mark Twain