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Friday, April 17, 2009

I, Polluter!

Today I am a polluter. To paraphrase Voltaire, "I breathe, therefore I pollute."

Today the Environmental Protection Agency in its infinite wisdom, has declared that Carbon Dioxide, good old CO2 is a pollutant and a health hazard for all Americans. As a result of this ruling, the EPA has given itself the power to regulate anything that produces carbon dioxide no matter whether the Congress approves anti-CO2 legislation or not.

Wait a minute. Didn't I read in my 8th grade science book that plants need CO2 to live?

So is the EPA going to get rid of CO2? Are the plants going to die? Are they afraid that excess CO2 will make the plants grow faster? Are we in danger of being overwhelmed by angry masses of carbon dioxide sucking vines? Are intoxicated trees going to uproot themselves and come after us, drunk on all this extra CO2 we're generating.

"Wait a minute!"

Didn't I read in my 9th grade Biology book that people breathe out carbon dioxide whenever we breathe? So, I AM A SOURCE OF POLLUTION WHEN I BREATHE?

Does this mean that now the EPA is going to regulate me? What's next?

Are we going to ration exhaling? I know, we'll do it like they did during the Carter Administration. If you have an odd numbered social security card you can only exhale on odd numbered dates. If you have an even numbered social security card you only get to exhale on even numbered dates.
If you're an illegal alien, you get to breathe whenever you want since your social security card is a fake anyway!
That ought to clear out the riff raff!
I'm just sayin'...
Tom "Breath of Death" King

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