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Friday, May 16, 2008

Rev. Doctor Tom Speaks Out!

Thanks to the miracle of the Internet, anyone can now become a minister. One day, I was cruising the obituaries and finding I wasn't listed amongst the dignitaries therein, I was merrily reviewing the histories of those of my peers who had gone on ahead of me to their reward.

To my surprise, I discovered that, Arlo Entwhistle, a crusty old reprobate I knew from neighborhood jam sessions and community theater productions of questionable quality was actually a licensed minister of the Universal Life Church. I wondered how in the world that ever happened.

So, I did a quick google search and found his accrediting institution, located somewhere in a nondescript house off a golf course near Tuscon Arizona. Within 15 minutes I had a certificate that permits me to marry people and conduct funerals and baptisms and start my own church.

Now how convenient is that?

For just $30 I can become a Doctor of Divinity.

Always wanted my doctorate and this saves me all that pesky classwork and tuition and the 3 years of indentured servitude that goes with your typical university doctoral program.

Maybe I'll start myself an on-line church. I, being what a friend of mine, Mike Gregory, calls a "Smartastical Philosopher" could set myself up in the video preachin' business and make some pretty good money if I could actually get my naggy old conscience to shut up and let me work the crowds a bit.

Maybe I should start myself a Smartasstical philosophy University and award degrees and sell funny hats. I could sell nice colorful certificates and graduation photos and stuff.

I hear that after you clear that first million, the guilt pretty much goes away!

I'm just sayin'


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