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Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Fun Diseases and Their Cures!

Well, now, isn't this special. PEOPLE who send excessive texts and emails may have a mental illness, according to an article in a leading psychiatric journal. I wonder who funded that study? Likely it was somebody who wants us to be doing something else besides communicating with our friends.

There is a certain segment of our society that hates for anyone to have unsupervised fun. They are funding research into all sorts of apparently subversive fun in an effort to prove these activities are causing abbherant behavior and draining society's social service resources.

I wondered what sort of other activities I've done a quick survey of on-going medical/psychological research projects and discovered the following:

1. A Stanford study to prove that Diet Dr. Pepper is evil. The researcher first suspected this when he failed to distinguish between regular and Diet Dr. Pepper in a blind taste test. Deciding there had to be something wrong with a diet drink that good, he applied for and received a grant from the American Corn Syrup institute to test his theory.

2. A Columbia university research project by Dr. Harlon P. Fussbudget is looking at APD (accordion playing disorder), common in the Hispanic, German, Italian, Swiss and Irish cultures and medications that will permanently stop the music. So far meds investigated are usually fatal, but Dr. Fussbudget hopes to find one that merely incapacitates.... This one was funded by ASCAP and RIAA. Who'd have guessed?

3. A Harvard Study of people who read science fiction found that SFRS (Sci-fi reader's syndrome) causes independent thinking, excessive consumption of Twinkies with Root Beer and Star Trek conventions. The researchers suggest a new federal "Sci-Fi!" Ban. This one was funded by the Harlequin Romance Foundation and the Fabio Modeling Institute.

4. A University of Boston researcher, Dr. Fedora Fardlewitt, is conducting an extensive study of compulsive banjo playing throughout North Carolina, Tennessee and Arkansas funded by the Uppity Yankees Coalition of America. Dr. Fardlewitt theorizes that CBP can be prevented by banning corn whiskey consumption in states with high incidences of the disorder, too many bluegrass festivals and/or any state that has a statue of Earl Scruggs anywhere it it.

5. Finally, The National Alliance of Anal Retentive Vegans has funded a study proving that Krispy Kreme Donuts are addictive. They've recently created a pilot 12 step program called Donuts Anonymous (DA) Sponsored by The University of Wisconsin and the state of New York

That's just the tip of the iceberg. Who knows what they'll make into a disease next.

Just a word of caution to everybody. If there is anything you do that's fun, absorbing or makes you happy, DON'T TALK TO A PSYCHOLOGIST ABOUT IT! They'll just make a disease out of it or make it illegal and spoil all your fun!

...I'm just sayin'


© 2008

* Warning: The above essay uses humor, irony and sarcasm to make a point. Please do not read if you are brain-impaired or suffer from PCS (Political Correctness Syndrome). Could be harmful to your complacency or could damage your calm.


silfert said...

Well, I'm gonna send texts to everyone on my "Favorite 300" list and tell them that they're all sick in the head! Then I'm going to head to the store. We're out of Twinkies.

Tom King said...

Sounds like a plan!