(I Wanna Join) The AARP -- A Parody for Aging Boomers

Suggested by a post by Roelle Seamount on Facebook of a cartoon 

called "The Retirement Village People"

"Don't know who to credit the picture to - will do if anyone finds out!"

Someone said it would be nice if we had complete lyrics to the song, so here we go.

AARP

(With apologies to the Village people who are by now, probably pretty geezerly themselves.)

By Tom King                        Tune:  YMCA

Old man, You really ought to sit down .
I said, old man, you need a cane to walk ‘round.
I said, old man, what’s that weird creaking sound
Is that your knee joints popping?

Old man, every half hour you go.
But here there’s restrooms every 10 feet or so.
They’ve got TV so you can watch all your shows
Many ways to have a good time.

You belong to the A-A-R-P.
You belong to the A-A-R-P.

Your hair’s falling out, people describe you as stout,
You pull your pants up to your armpits.

You belong to the A-A-R-P.
You belong to the A-A-R-P.

You get regular meals, your apples always come peeled,
You can nap wherever you feel ...

Old man, are you listening to me?
I said, old man, that Ducolax sets you free!
I said, old man, It’s kinda sad that your dream.
Is to have one good BM!

I know, you’d rather bathe by yourself.
I said, Old man, just put your pride on the shelf,
Hit the call light, you get Nurse Ratchet herself.
I'm sure she can help you get clean.

I wanna join the A-A-R-P.
I wanna join the A-A-R-P.

You know they have a hot tub, Old ladies looking for love.

Skinny dipping is Thursday night!.

We belong to the A-A-R-P.
We belong to the A-A-R-P.

We’ve got our own lobbyists and buddy when we get pissed

Even senators do what we say ...

Old man, I see you’re wearing black shoes
With black socks, and Bermuda shorts too
It’s great, when you hit sixty-five

And can wear shirts from Hawaii.

When young punks, try to make you afraid,

You take your cane; whack ‘em upside the head

Then taze ‘em, you carry one million volts.

Wanna bet that gangsta wished he hadn’t…..  

Tried to fool with the A-A-R-P

He tried to fool with the A-A-R-P

They have shuffleboard here for you to enjoy,
You can really impress all the boys..

A-A-R-P ... you’re now a member of A-A-R-P

Old man, old man, now if you ever fall down.
Life Alert, will pick your butt off the ground.

A-A-R-P ... you’re now a member of A-A-R-P

Old man, old man, there's no need to feel bad.
Old man, you’ve got, pills like you’ve never had.

A-A-R-P ... you belong to the A-A-R-P.

Old man, old man, there is no need to drive
Don't you want, to come back alive

A-A-R-P ... you belong to the A-A-R-P.

Old man, old man, there is no need to drive
Don't you want, to come back alive

A-A-R-P ... you belong to the A-A-R-P.

Old Man, You can go out, a van they will send.
It's dress-up, so be sure and wear your Depends


A-A-R-P ... you belong to the A-A-R-P.


Old man, old man, are you time to go to bed?
Old man, old man, turn up you’re hearing aid.

(Spoken fading)  Hey I KNOW you can hear me.  You’re just doing that thing where you turn off that hearing aid so you can pretend you don’t hear me. You guys were up to three in the morning last night. The nurses just can’t take it anymore. No I didn’t say beer time. I said bed time!

Lyrics © 2013 by Tom King

The Comedians are Wrong About Olive Garden

Mmmmmm, Ravioli de Portebello

Ever once in a while some sitcom makes a joke about the Olive Garden as though the food there isn't the real deal. It amazes me how liberal comedians and writers who purport to be such friends of "the people" can be such utter snobs and elitists.

Yes, it's true. The Olive Garden is a chain. You go there, you know what you're going to get and there are few surprises. Go there a few times and you know what your like and what you don't like.  The food is good. It's well presented and you can eat till you're full. 

Yes, I know that they are a chain.

I know they aren't some pretentious mafia hang out on New York's lower east side. I like that about them. It's unlikely a mobster would ever be caught dead in there. Which is a good thing to my way of thinking. After all, who wants blood and little bits of cannoli sprayed all over your lasagna?


Also, I suspect Italians probably don't put a tiny little bit of pasta on an enormous oddly shaped  plate drizzle a little unidentifiable sauce over it and the two pieces of asparagus and a slice of some kind of exotic squash next to it and call it "cuisine".

My wife and I recently went to the Olive Garden because she had a yen for their Ravioli de Portebello with the smoky sun-dried tomato sauce.  It was a lovely meal. The waitress was a sweetie - very professional and attentive without being intrusive.

It does cost a little more than some other middle-class restaurants, but I don't mind so much. Sometimes you go to a restaurant to feed your soul.  The OG is close so I don't have to wander around some huge city looking for somebody's idea of an "authentic" Italian place.

When your get to the OG, you can rely on them to bring you good food. If you're a salad snob, they'll bring it without tossing it in the dressing.  They'll even put it in a bowl so you can have it "on the side" and enjoy the illusion that you prefer your salad fresh and that you're not going to dip the heck out of every bite and lick the dressing bowl.

Don't get me wrong, I love discovering these wonderful little Mom and Pop restaurants where the food is great and the place run by lovely people in the same way I love restaurants in general - as a treat from home-cooking. The truth is, home-cooking around our place is pretty danged tasty. The prime attraction of a restaurant is not having to cook the meal or clean up afterward and the reduction of stress you get from having a waitress or water running back and forth to fill your glass for you.

So I want to be sure I'm going to enjoy the food.  The OG and places like that are a sure thing. They're consistently good.  I know some things can go wrong even at well known restaurant chains, but it's far less likely to.  I have a few favorite places to go for my favorite dishes.  My top ten favorite purveyors of middle class haute cuisine are listed here. In the meantime, it's Sunday. Treat yourself to a nice lunch  at your favorite middle class fancy restaurant after church or before the baseball game.  You deserve a treat.  Enjoy!

Just one man's opinion.

Tom King