I'm Not Old, I'm "Vintage."

Back in my hormonally over-charged youth, I developed a roster of colognes and after-shaves that I depended on to attract rather than repel folk of the female persuasion. Heaven help me in identifying one of those in today's high school market. You can't even tell by their pronouns anymore. Anyway, I depended on those masculine scents to attract (or at least avoid repulsing girls), a species of human in which I found myself developing a keen interest. Television in the sexually charged late 60s and early 70s, was rife with ads for allegedly irresistible colognes and after shaves. 

• There was Hai Karate which promised you would have to resort to some form of martial arts in order to save yourself from the hordes of ravening women who would descend on any male wearing Hai Karate cologne. I tried it but never had to fight off women. 
• I don't think Brut will ever be discontinued. Brut is the king of affordable after shaves, likely because of its better-than-sweat scent and it's ability to inexpensively cover up the aromatic aftermath of a fellow's Mexican food lunch. Brut is kind of the go-to cheap destinkifier for daily use.
• Then came English Leather, which had a vague warrior poet sort of sound which apparently women are attracted to. It was okay, but I didn't notice women flocking around my horse. Likely, because I didn't have a horse at the time.
• Avon ladies used to sell a scent called "Wild Country" in clever decorative bottles. It turned out to be my second favorite scent and they still make it. I may have to order some online as it's an affordable $15-$25 and seems to be available. Apparent it was Avon's best-selling scent. They even make Wild Country for women nowadays. 
• Finally I found Jade East Golden Lime after shave. It had a light citrus smell and though it never drew women like flies despite its fruity ambience, I myself rather liked it. It had the advantage over earthier scents of toning down the smell of sweat. The King boys were and are prodigious perspirers.

Imagine my dismay in searching high and low on the Internet  only to find that my beloved Golden Lime had been discontinued.  Probably it was focused grouped into extinction by those heartless wenches at Jade East who prefer a man to smell like a sweaty British riding saddle; the kind with those ridiculous delicate stirrups that force you to stand up if your horse breaks into a trot. 

Hai Karate was apparently not terribly woke and I can guess what happened to it. Probably the metrosexuals who make cologne decided they had better chances with some kind of muskier scent - something less obvious (not to mention offensive to women) that still drew women without being obvious. The rising flock of feminist young females did like to feel in control of dating rituals back in the 70s and 80s.  The decision to D.C. the dream scent of adolescent males back in the halcyon days before the disco epidemic. Early "woke" girls may have stopped buying Hai Karate because of those patronizing commercials. At the very least the whole boycott of the Karate man may have been due to their resentment of the idea that a mere cologne might force some hormonal response to the application of a deadly mix of male pheromones, a pleasant scent and man sweat. I did find some on ebay at $179.00 for a vintage bottle.

 I finally resorted to a deep search on the Internet for Jade East Golden Lime and was disappointed. Oh, Jade East is still in business but sans Golden Lime. In desperation I shelled out $34 bucks for the scent they were offering, but was disappointed. It was okay, as far as that goes. I did discover in my quest that they do sell vintage Jade East cologne on Ebay and Etsy, but there are apparently no vintage Golden Lime bottles left. I may have bought the last one in 1978. A vintage bottle of 70s era standard Jade East runs from $60 to $89 per elderly bottle.

English Leather is still around and available on Amazon for a price that won't force you to buy it on credit. Apparently the scent of an English riding saddle still brings 'em in. It's okay, I suppose, but English Leather is getting quickly out of my retiree price range. and besides, I prefer a western saddle to a fancy English one.

And then there's Wild Country - more of the scent of a new Western saddle than its mustier English counterpart - fresher and not overpowering. Sheila bought me some after we were married, probably in the 80s. The wife did like the smell which was a big plus for Avon's signature scent. I remember it well. It seemed to still do the trick after a decade or so, though my youthful pheromones had begun to fade. So with some regret for the loss of Golden Lime I've got to find myself a new scent. Wild Country, is still available thanks to the steady marketing and promotional efforts of those wonderful Avon ladies, steeped in the more conservative traditions of Avon. These lovely gals have preserved the now vintage smell of my adolescence. I, therefore, have decided to become a regular Avon customer. 

Truth be told during my short-lived heyday as a popular guy with the ladies, I was a summertime  lifeguard at Lone Star Camp and generally smelled like fishy lake water and man sweat. But I could still dig out my trusty bottle of eau' de cologne, shower up and manage to smell acceptably manly while playing guitar on the boat dock by the light of the moon. Later, when my Sweet Baboo and I worked a couple of summers at camp as a married couple, the pretty girl whose heart God and I had captured, did sometimes resort to sprinkling me with Jade East or Avon's finest - usually, in the evening after I wandered back to the cabin at the end of a particularly hard day on the lake. Hey, maybe a splash of Wild Country might rekindle some of those lovely memories.

A word of warning to those of you with boy children. If your prepubescent sixth grader EVER brings home a bottle of something called Aramis, either hide it in the nearest dumpster or buy yourself a gas mask. It's potent stuff when juxtaposed with the smell of sixth grade boys' feet. I call it Middle School Agent Orange.

Smell is a powerful mnemonic, tied to regions of the brain which store the more permanent kinds or memories. Rekindling the scent of your youth makes your brain cells happy. So unlimber Google or Duck Duck Go, Yahoo Search or Bing, whichever you like best and do a search for your favorite cologne or perfume. You might even buy your main squeeze a bottle of whatever she was wearing when she wrapped you around her little finger. Or you might buy your guy whatever smell that drew you to the handsome guy who walked past you trailing a cloud of pheremones and stole your heart back in school  .

What a blast from the past that could be! Almost makes me look forward to a reminder that I'm "vintage" these days. Sounds better than being an antique or worse, just plain old.

© 2026 by Tom King

PS:  Don't tell anyone who is boycotting China right now, but TEMU, the Chinese version of Amazon sells all kinds of copycat versions of "vintage" and current scents including a version of my favorite Golden Lime. I'm going to order some and see how it stacks up to what I remember. If Jade East is going to stop making it, I don't have any problem buying it where I can get it!