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Monday, January 11, 2010

God Spelled Backward

Someone once quipped, God spelled backward is Dog.  I wonder if there is not a hint at a cosmic truth in that observation. Could it be that of all the animal kingdom, the humble dog is God's special messenger? I told a children's story at church on Sabbath, assisted by my faithful dog, Daisy.

Daisy, I have decided is a messenger and teacher sent by God for my edification.  Indirectly, she has taught me patience, the value of "stuff" (I'm more tolerant to teeth marks on my possessions these days) and the importance of getting up out of my chair and taking a turn round the block to get the old heart going.

But dogs teach us in other ways more direct. God, it is said, has two books.  The scriptures, of course, is one, but the other is the great book of nature - God's very handiwork into which he has woven lessons that answer the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything.

The answer is not, by the way, 42 whatever Douglass Addams may say about it..

When we adopted Daisy there was the element of divine intervention in how she came to us. I've told the story before, so I won't repeat it, but leave it to say, God decided we needed a dog and sent her to us. I had always rather looked down on those sad old couples with their pet dogs that they spoiled mercilessly and talked baby talk to until it made you want to hurl.

We have become one of those sad old couples. We really need some grandkids soon or our descent into terminal schmaltziness will soon be complete.

I called her "Daisy Pooh" the other day.  I swear to you - "Daisy Pooh".  It may already be too late for me.

In preparing for my story Sabbath, I wrote down ten things Daisy has taught me in the time she has been with us.  To wit... 

Everything I Need to Know to Be a Better Human Being as Learned from my Dog:

1.  Love without conditions.  When someone you love comes home, do not hold back when expressing your joy that they have returned to you safe and sound.  It is a practice I promise you will never regret.

2. When you are sad or cold or lonely - make a dogpile!  If you want comforting, find a pile of loved ones and make a pile. Nothing soothes the heart quite so well as the collective beating of all those dear hearts at once.

3. Chase squirrels with all your heart, mind and strength!  You should do everything you do with total enthusiasm and energy. It's good for you heart and builds strong muscles and bones. God meant for your to do things.  So, do them well and whatever you do, do it to the glory of your Creator.

4. Obey your master.  You master is taller than you and can see dangers you cannot.  Your life may, and indeed it likely does depend on your swift and certain obedience to the Master - if not now, then someday soon, you do not know when.

5.  Come when called.  You never know why you are called or where you will be called to, but if you are being called, your master wants you for something and, who knows?  There may be treats.

6. Expect the best of others.  Believe the best of the one who takes care of you. Assume they love you and do not ever mean to hurt you.  You will be a thousand times happier if you do.

7. Forgive easily.  This follows if you believe the best of others.  You're going to forgive anyway. God expects it and holding a grudge only makes you miserable.  How much better than to forgive freely and with all your heart now and get on with the feeling better.

8. Rest when it is time to rest.  God gives us lots of time to rest.  Catch a nap whenever you can. Take that whole day off once a week that He gives you. It's good for your soul, your body and your spirit.

9.  When you please others, it makes you happy too.We are made to be creators and givers. Use your imagination and do something wonderful for someone else. Doing so lights us up inside and makes us smile.

10. Never turn down a treat your Master gives you!  Our Master gives us only good gifts that are for our blessing and happiness. Never tell yourself, I do not deserve God's gift. He paid a great price for it and it makes Him happy to give you His gift. Do not rob God of His joy.


These sound like New Year's Resolutions to me.

Happy New Year


Tom, Sheila and Daisy

PS:  I wanted to add this weblink I recently found to this post. It's a song, video and book called God and Dog by Wendy Francisco.  It's brilliant and exactly captures my idea about why dogs are God's gift to mankind. Go to the web-page, scroll down to the video and click on play.  Bring a box of tissues with you, however.  This thing will make a lumberjack cry if he owns a dog.

*Note:  Photo used without permission from Sheila (she's at work), so I used the one where she looked like Kilroy hiding behind Daisy. I'm not allowed to post unapproved photos of the her and this was the only one of the three of us that might slide by without prior approval.

Friday, January 01, 2010

Uncle Tom's Month by Month Prognostications for the New Year

I the great and magnificent Uncle Tom, grand wizard extraordinarious of the most excellent order of wiseacres, the legion of quintagenarians, the most noble cadre of the knights of bloviatistics and prognosticator par excellence do hereby offer up my never-fail "2010 - HEADLINES OF THE FUTURE":

1. January 2010 - Michelle Obama Files for Divorce:  The president's wife packs up the kids and leaves the White House in a snit complaining, "He spends more time with that d!@#$#d teleprompter than he does with me!"  White House sources report that Michelle is staying with good friend Tiger Woods while she discusses plans to force sale of the White House as part of the divorce settlement.

2. February 2010 - The Morning New York Based Talk Show Host Who Broadcasts from Rockefeller Center Fairness Doctrine Passes:  Congress sends The Morning New York Based Talk Show Host Who Broadcasts from Rockefeller Center Fairness Doctrine to President Obama for his signature today. The new law prohibits chubby talk show hosts who broadcasts mornings from Rockefeller Center in New York from "inciting citizens to political rallies, weeping on the air and ratting out Czars, press secretaries and other known communists working for the president of the United States."

3. March 2010 - Nancy Pelosi Released from Hospital After Recent "Checkup":  Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, shown here at this morning's press conference says she's ready and rarin' to go for another 6 months after what she calls a "routine checkup". 

4. April 2010:  House Passes Botox Initiative:  The House of Representative pass a massive new new funding initiative supporting research into alternatives to Botox for 'rehabilitative medical procedures'.  House Banking Committee Chairperson, Barney Frank expressed hope that science would provide some eye relief for the families and colleagues of Botox accident victims.

5. May 2010 -  Joe Biden Announces Cinco de Mayo Initiative: Vice President Joe Biden and Senator Al Franken from Minnesota today announced a new senate bill that will, according to the vice-president, provide free jars of mayonnaise to all newly arrived undocumented workers in the United States. "We want to properly welcome newly ensla...., I mean employed workers to our country with a taste of their home country," said Biden. When asked what mayonnaise had to do with Mexico, Biden pointed out that Mexicans have a whole festival about the familiar condiment, called 'Cinco de Mayo'.  "We just want to give them something they can use to get the festivities started," Biden explained. "Think of it as a recognition of the cultural diversity this administration wishes to encourage in America."   When asked how providing jars of mayonnaise to illegal aliens was in any sense a good idea, Franken stated, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and dog-gone it, people like me."

6. June 2010 GE buys Kraft Food:  After 3 months of frantic negotiations, GE Chairman Jeffrey Immelt announces the acquisition of Kraft Products, Inc. by the General Electric.  We see a lot of potential for growth in the coming months for Kraft, especially its condiments product lines.  When asked about the apparent rush to complete the merger, Immelt said only that one of the partners apparently "jumped the gun" in announcing a key element of the merger plan. "Apparently two of the partners involved in negotiations found an idea they liked and ran with it before they told the rest of us," said Immelt with some obvious exasperation.

7. July 2010 - President Proclaims July 4 "International Unity Day":  President Barak Obama announces that July 4 will henceforth be known as International Unity Day in recognition of his own administrations massive effort to promote solidarity with the great peoples of Europe, Asia and Africa and to educate the masses about the importance of participating actively in the formation of a future global union. International Unity Day will capture the imagination of those who have for so long misunderstood the peaceful character of the American people and our longing to be reunited with the cultures of our forefathers," said the president in his historic address. "I believe that gestures like these will change world opinion about an America that has for the past decade been seen globally as a powerful and dangerous force in the world."

8.  August 2010 - Man-Made Disaster Incident in New York Harbor Could Have a Positive Effect on International Relations:  When a person of unspecified religious convictions touched off the bomb strapped to his or her chest and toppled the Statue of Liberty face first into New York harbor, he may have done America a favor, says White House Spokesman Robert Gibbs.  "Lets face it, the statue is a hateful symbol of American dominance in many parts of the world.  If we just leave it there on the bottom of the harbor, perhaps they'll forget it was ever there and become our friends."  New York City Officials announced the opening next month of the Statue of Liberty Underwater Adventure, a submarine tour of the wreckage expected to attract 100,000 visitors per month to the now barren Liberty Island.

9.  September 2010 - Stock Market falls Only 200 Points on Latest Employment Numbers:  Clear signs that the economic crisis is coming to a close, slow the stock market slide to a crawl in August on news that 6 out of 10 American workers are now employed by the government in some capacity. News that President Obama's employment goals are within reach sent spasms of joy through the marketplace. The price of tomatoes dropped in response to the announcement to a 3 month low of $75 per pound.

10. October 2010 - California Ketchup Heist Bandits Still at Large:  Witnesses failed to provide clear descriptions of the 25 unidentified robbers who hijacked an entire trainload of tomatoes as it cleared the Sierras on it's way east to the ketchup factories of Ohio and Virginia. Two organizations claimed credit for the raid, The Society for the Liberation of Any Vegetables that are Exploited  (SLAVE) and Al Quaeda's Committee for the Unification of Arabs and Americans.  "Since when have liberal infidels worn burkha's to commit acts of man-made disaster?" demanded Osama Ben Laden in an interview at his Al-Quaeda America offices in downtown Washington, DC.

11. November 2010 - Harry Reid Retires from Senate:  Harry Reid announced his retirement from the senate today citing the need to "spend more time with my family".  Reid announced plans to vacate his Senate offices in January when Nevada Senator-elect Danny Tarkanian is expected to take office.

12. December 2010 - Prominent Prophet Arrested:  Famous prognosticator and blogger Tom King was arrested to day for failing to buy AIG's new semi-public health insurance, life insurance, food insurance, bicycle warranty insurance, spotted owl liability insurance,  and independent political thought insurance. 

Will these prophecies come true?

Hey, I'm just sayin'

"Uncle Tom the Magnificent"